12:29

"I was never aware of all of the flaws that I possessed because they were so deeply submerged in me.
And each time I swam past them, I was too afraid to come near them to reveal them.
So I buried them even deeper into the sand, by running away, by working only on things which I would never fail.
But it seems they have surfaced. 
And I can't run away anymore. I don't want to."

I'll start this entry off with a passage from a previous post because it is so fitting.
To reveal. To brush off the sand. 
To surrender. To forgo without running away, for once in my life. 
To face who I am. To discover.

I've dealt with recurring issues throughout my entire life. - Or at least, for the duration that I've been writing in this blog.
Issues that I have fought, issues that I have conquered.
But it seems that in my days of glory, I often forget the insights and strategies I have learned throughout those battles.
And they return. Only this time, with allies. They return with greater intensity, stronger than ever before.
And it's only recently that I have taken notice of their familiarity and become conscious of their oh so destructive grasp on me.
But this time, I'll let them come. And I'll let them go. And I'll continue to live!
They are not me, but merely things that happen to me. 

In this past week, I've done a lot of getting to know myself. And as strange as it is to say this, I really do miss my own company. My own, peaceful company. Sans worries, sans tears. 
Geez, it's crazy to think that I've lived with myself for 17 years and there's still so much that I don't know. But that only makes me more excited for this gift that I've been given. This adventure called: Life. 

Here's to the new things that I have learned about myself. Things that I may have already known, things that I've forgotten, and things that I now hope to cement in me. 

1. I am incredibly fearful of large bodies of water.
My fear of water sparked in the fourth grade through mandatory swimming lessons. Being the shortest and only person who was unable to touch the pool floor at 3.5', made it even harder for me to trust and to let go. I ran away from it. 

And it came back each year to haunt me as I missed out on class field trips and possibly every once-in-a-lifetime experience that involved water.
This time, it returned through me.
I was that body of water I feared so much. I was an unstable power that had ups and downs. I was a wave.  

At times, I would swallow myself whole and drown myself in self-pity and in salt water. 
In acknowledging my tendency to rise and fall, I tried to stop myself from falling.
I put my efforts towards suppressing my feelings and pushed all of my negativity away so that I could fit society's grave misconception that we must be happy all the time.
By suppressing my feelings, I was stopping the natural. (Which I obviously can't do)
And so in buying into the illusion that I was pushing away my negativity, I failed to see what I was actually doing.
I was trapping every negative thought into a bottle and filling it up until it exploded.
I was stirring up the tsunami in me. And I crashed. I fell with utmost impact. 

Yes, I am still that wave. And throughout this life, I will continue to experience rises and falls. 
But it's not unnatural not to be happy sometimes. 
I have learned not to fear. Not to worry. And to just "be". 
Hopefully, with this mindset I can feel free in the water. I can feel peace in the water. I can embrace the cleansing it brings. I can enjoy the ride.

2. I am most definitely a "future-person".
Some people live in the past. They dwell on their mistakes and drown in their regrets. 
Throughout the past year, I've been striving to become a person who lives in the present. Someone who I guess, is "happy-go-lucky". Someone who can take things as they come and enjoy everything that surrounds them for that time being. 
Unfortunately, I've spent the majority of my life being a future-person.
My deep-rooted need for perfection and desire to control the direction that my life goes has become the cause of this deadly way of viewing the world that I've adapted.
I wake up, not wanting to leave the comforts of my bed. A place where I'm safe and can't be put in a situation that I don't know how to deal with. 
I walk through each day in fear.
I spend my time visualizing the worse-case scenario weeks before they happen, so that I can prepare myself for the worst.
The inner girl-scout in me believed this was the way to live. To plan for success. To plan for ultimate perfection. To plan for everything I want for my life.
I've said the Lord's prayer every day of my life, and witnessed the M7FH Our Father skit countless times, yet each time I've said "Your will be done", I can honestly say that I've never truly meant it. 
And I never even noticed.
I became controlling. 
Being a future person not only took a toll on the way I viewed school, (which was already bad enough) but also on my relationships. 
In wanting to control my future, my trust in everyone shattered. 
And I had never felt so confused, so lost and so alone. 
I was a heavy cloud of sadness and I chose to face it alone. 
For the past few years, I've worked to build and grow my friendship ties. And in my lack of trust, I didn't turn to the people who would do anything for me, as I would for them. I was afraid of their rejection, afraid of being too much for them, afraid of burdening them with my problems. I wanted to control the outcome of things, so I decided it would be better to do it alone.  
I lost trust in my relationship. And out of fear that I would get hurt, I hurt even more. I created a problem that was never there by putting up barriers against love to protect myself. I hid and locked up what he needed most from me. My trust.  
And most importantly, I lost trust in my Lord. 
In my worries, I was implying that God was not big enough, loving enough or powerful enough to take care of me. I forgot how to pray. And each time that I tried, I would ask him of something that I thought would benefit me, rather than asking him to guide me into heading the way He has planned for me.
Lord, I'll say it this time and truly mean it from now on.
Let Your will be done.

I have already begun this change in me. A change for the better.
I will live.
I will love.
I will trust.
Freely.

3. A goal that I've set for myself has led me to the opposite direction of where I want to be. 
A great deal of my previous posts focussed on Strength. 
I actually can't even recall a post that doesn't speak of "being weak and wanting to become strong". 
I never realized that in wanting to strengthen myself, I was being completely and utterly prideful. 
I actually believed that my own strength was sufficient enough to endure my hardships and live happily on my own. 
Hah.
I guess in hitting rock bottom, I had no other choice but to look up. I had no other choice but to run back into the arms of my Lord and to seek refuge in Him. 

Dearest Camille. It's okay to give up. It's okay to surrender.
In your emptiness, let yourself draw closer to Him.
He will fill where you lack. He will provide. He will give you the strength to take up your cross.
"Our Divine Lord asks no sacrifice beyond our strength."

In my entire life, I have never turned to Him as often as I have in the past week.
In recognizing His presence, I have felt such strength and such peace.

4. I am in the midst of a great journey as I learn to love myself, others and You. 
I am so grateful for this suffering.
It has been my catalyst in self-growth.
In pushing me through this door, I have rooted out new priorities and focusses in my life.
  
In my suffering, the degree of God’s sacrifice has become clearer.
To give himself, to carry his cross and to forgive not only those who love Him, but those who hated Him, out of love. 
I will strive to love selflessly. 
And even if I'm still incapable of finding a situation that a psychological egoist couldn't argue against in Philosophy, I'll prove the argument wrong by example. 

I'm on a mission.