Monday, June 30, 2014
How foolish was I to assume that I knew what I needed without consulting with You?
Amidst powerful waves that once consumed me, in the recent past, I found myself stronger and able to stay afloat for once.
For the longest time, it felt great knowing that I have been able to develop the strength to fight the current and keep my head above sea level.
But though I was able to keep myself up, I never realized I was swimming without direction.
I was growing tired swimming in circles, but I was so focused on moving forward, on moving away that the tiredness didn't even come to mind. I just wanted to get away.
This weekend, You stilled the waters.
The silence was new and utterly frustrating. After moving with speed and strength for so long, it was unsettling that the waters were so... Settled.
Why did it stop Lord? Why aren't I moving forward anymore? Why aren't I moving at all anymore? Why aren't I feeling anything anymore?
I have felt so strongly about everything that has come and gone in my life, that I became afraid when I felt absolutely nothing.
I became afraid of not moving forward, because I knew my horrifying tendencies of looking back at the past whenever I wasn't.
I became afraid of stillness because I was so unfamiliar with it.
It was either forward or back, forward or back. Up or down, up or down. That's what I was used to.
My life has been so full of extremes, that finally reaching a static point scared me.
So I tried to make myself feel, but still there was nothing. Nothing but stillness.
SPEAK LORD, SPEAK!!!!! I cried out.
But I heard nothing, from You or from anyone. No matter how loudly and frequently I did. Even when it came to countless topics that I once felt so strongly and had so much to say about.
I think I just needed to stop swimming and trust that I would still float whether or not I paddled and used up all of my energy doing so.
I needed to stop swimming so I could focus and redirect myself to Him. So that I could actually swim towards something and not just swim aimlessly to run from the past.
Thanks for Your endless love and patience with me, and the overflow of blessings You chuck at my face when I don't expect or deserve it.
Your ways, your abundance in selflessness and love, will always go over my head.
I will forever be amazed by You. I will forever be madly in love with You. I will forever strive to give and love in the ways You have shown me.