7:03

For the sake of my already-jeopardized health, I'm going to need to start taking an apathetic approach towards everything I care about for the next little while. At least until my mind learns to straighten out its priorities and learns to rest. So if I'm ever acting irrational, ya know why.

5:07

Well, it is currently 4:46AM and officially the latest I have ever been up for the duration of this school year.
I'd just like to take this time to talk to myself and eventually come to a head with one of the few lighter-hearted posts I'll probably ever write in this blog.
Often times, I really just feel the need to reconnect with myself. I mean I'm stuck with myself every second of every day, so why not make an effort to understand myself a little bit more... Right?
If you're reading this right now, please don't bother! I can tell you right now that I plan to jump around and touch base with every aspect of my life. I'm really just using this as a means of clearing my mind. My space for navigating.

My first little glimpse of university was a struggle. I don't think I could put it any other way.
I have never bombed so many essays, tests and exams in such a short span of time.
But it was nothing short of a great learning experience. And a huge reality check - Quite the slap in the face at that.
This is a period of countless "firsts" in my life. And I'm still learning.
I'm still learning and adapting to this inescapable change that continues to unfold in my life.
This change that I was so enthusiastic about back in grade 12 when I was the little girl who was so desperately "in love with life, with change, with growth, with challenge"... Or so as I wrote in my university applications and scholarship essays.
Wow. I had quite the fire inside of me back then.
And although that fire has reduced immensely, I know that sparks remain. Potential remains. And this acknowledgment is only the start of my rekindling process.

In closely examining the days where I've made a lot of progress, I have come to discover that the actual amount of work I have to do comes no where close to my perception of the amount of work I have to do. If I spent more time actually focussing on my work, rather than spending my time fearing my workload, I would have a sufficient amount of free time.
Come on Camille, this is motivation. You are at the best place you could possibly be right now. The world is full of endless opportunities. You are free to learn, to understand, to experience nature, to create memories with friends and family, to capture them through photos, to write, paint, to skate, to sing. The list goes on.

And in writing this, in thinking this, it just proves that I still am the same girl who wrote all of those essays. Amidst all of the garbage I've piled up on myself, all of the distractions I have created that obstruct my view, I'll dig and I'll find you again, Camille.

It's kind of funny. For once in my life, I'm actually indulging in memories of my past.
In stumbling upon my old written pieces today, I have noticed such a profound change in me.
I mean of course, there is a lot of wisdom I have acquired throughout these past months that have helped me grow - experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything.
But there is also a lot of good that I have lost. Aside from my pure love of life, the next greatest loss would have to be: Appreciation.
Today, I read posts written by such a happy child.
A child who saw a great beauty in the slightest bits of effort.
I don't know where it went.
I found that as I lost that ability to treasure the little things, I lost much of my ability to love.
I became cold, demanding and expecting of more than anyone could provide.
I really just miss my old self. I want her back.

A movie I recently watched validated that for me too.
Before I doze off, I'd just like to say that Celeste and Jesse Forever is simply one of those movies that hit me at the right time.
The soundtrack and the fact that Rashida Jones is officially my newest girl crush are merely added bonuses.
Thank you for a good watch and for plenty to think about.

I think that's all.
I really was hoping to stay up and watch the sunrise since I have the opportunity to see it on the roof, but I think sleep is more important right now.

Tomorrow I will penny board to the corner store, buy flowers for my beautiful mama's as it is her birthday, create a pretty little card for her and spend the rest of my day studying.

Good night world.
Enjoy this picture set taken by my iPhone 4.
:)

6:11

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.