An online journal created to seek meaning and purpose, to feel,

to dream, to discover, to spread joy and light, to love all of creation,

to glorify and magnify the Creator.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013


It's 7:26 PM and I sit here waiting for my desktop to open up (an approximate half hour wait), so that I can print out seven different documents.

I just got back from my first day of university and I don't really know what to say about it.
Overall, the day was not bad at all. I entered the day with a little bit of the jitters but just as all days go, the day was over before I was even given the chance to think about it again. I was awake and alert throughout my lectures and that's all I could really ask for. On the social side of things, I was able to meet more new friends than I had ever expected and was even able to rekindle a few of my elementary school friendships.

But beyond all of that, I sit here and I still can't help but think that I'll never be enough.
Why is it that I constantly feel like my throat is being clasped together?
I stare at the exact same schedule that I once thought would be a breeze, that I was once excited about and find myself feeling such intimidation.
Why can't I ever get past my habit of overwhelming myself?
I look up at the mountain that stands in front of me, at the challenge that awaits me and all I want to do is roll up into a ball and cry.
And I know that I can do it too.
I know that the mountain can be conquered if I would only start. If I would only take it one trail at a time.
But I feel so weak.
I always do.

Your words have scarred my mind.
You're right. I am a quitter. And I never even realized it.
Every time I was faced with a challenge (piano, dance, etc.),  I never persevered.
I cried, I pitied myself and I found ways to crawl out of the situation.
What a baby. It's no wonder I'm so weak.
I was never aware of all of the flaws that I possessed because they were so deeply submerged in me.
And each time I swam past them, I was too afraid to come near them, to reveal them.
So I buried them even deeper into the sand, by running away, by working only on things which I would never fail.
But it seems they have surfaced.
And I can't run away anymore. I don't want to.

I want to be positive, uplifting, inspiring and happy.
I don't know where to start, but I'll keep working on it.
I'm still trying.
And I know I can do it.
I want to be the best me that I can be for my family, my friends, for you and for You.
It's 8:18 PM, my work is printed and it's time to start.
One step at a time.

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