An online journal created to seek meaning and purpose, to feel,

to dream, to discover, to spread joy and light, to love all of creation,

to glorify and magnify the Creator.

Sunday, October 13, 2013


Well, it is currently 4:46AM and officially the latest I have ever been up for the duration of this school year.
I'd just like to take this time to talk to myself and eventually come to a head with one of the few lighter-hearted posts I'll probably ever write in this blog.
Often times, I really just feel the need to reconnect with myself. I mean I'm stuck with myself every second of every day, so why not make an effort to understand myself a little bit more... Right?
If you're reading this right now, please don't bother! I can tell you right now that I plan to jump around and touch base with every aspect of my life. I'm really just using this as a means of clearing my mind. My space for navigating.

My first little glimpse of university was a struggle. I don't think I could put it any other way.
I have never bombed so many essays, tests and exams in such a short span of time.
But it was nothing short of a great learning experience. And a huge reality check - Quite the slap in the face at that.
This is a period of countless "firsts" in my life. And I'm still learning.
I'm still learning and adapting to this inescapable change that continues to unfold in my life.
This change that I was so enthusiastic about back in grade 12 when I was the little girl who was so desperately "in love with life, with change, with growth, with challenge"... Or so as I wrote in my university applications and scholarship essays.
Wow. I had quite the fire inside of me back then.
And although that fire has reduced immensely, I know that sparks remain. Potential remains. And this acknowledgment is only the start of my rekindling process.

In closely examining the days where I've made a lot of progress, I have come to discover that the actual amount of work I have to do comes no where close to my perception of the amount of work I have to do. If I spent more time actually focussing on my work, rather than spending my time fearing my workload, I would have a sufficient amount of free time.
Come on Camille, this is motivation. You are at the best place you could possibly be right now. The world is full of endless opportunities. You are free to learn, to understand, to experience nature, to create memories with friends and family, to capture them through photos, to write, paint, to skate, to sing. The list goes on.

And in writing this, in thinking this, it just proves that I still am the same girl who wrote all of those essays. Amidst all of the garbage I've piled up on myself, all of the distractions I have created that obstruct my view, I'll dig and I'll find you again, Camille.

It's kind of funny. For once in my life, I'm actually indulging in memories of my past.
In stumbling upon my old written pieces today, I have noticed such a profound change in me.
I mean of course, there is a lot of wisdom I have acquired throughout these past months that have helped me grow - experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything.
But there is also a lot of good that I have lost. Aside from my pure love of life, the next greatest loss would have to be: Appreciation.
Today, I read posts written by such a happy child.
A child who saw a great beauty in the slightest bits of effort.
I don't know where it went.
I found that as I lost that ability to treasure the little things, I lost much of my ability to love.
I became cold, demanding and expecting of more than anyone could provide.
I really just miss my old self. I want her back.

A movie I recently watched validated that for me too.
Before I doze off, I'd just like to say that Celeste and Jesse Forever is simply one of those movies that hit me at the right time.
The soundtrack and the fact that Rashida Jones is officially my newest girl crush are merely added bonuses.
Thank you for a good watch and for plenty to think about.

I think that's all.
I really was hoping to stay up and watch the sunrise since I have the opportunity to see it on the roof, but I think sleep is more important right now.

Tomorrow I will penny board to the corner store, buy flowers for my beautiful mama's as it is her birthday, create a pretty little card for her and spend the rest of my day studying.

Good night world.
Enjoy this picture set taken by my iPhone 4.

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