An online journal created to seek meaning and purpose, to feel,

to dream, to discover, to spread joy and light, to love all of creation,

to glorify and magnify the Creator.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Soul Vacation

I've decided to refrain from posting useless rants and cries for attention on Twitter. It's no serious epiphany of any sort.
I just feel the need to to discipline myself more.
For starters, I guess I could improve upon patience, slightly decreasing my impulsiveness and turning to the Lord for comfort, rather than sending negative vibes to everyone over social media.
I think fasting from Twitter will help me understand myself more and the underlying reasons behind why I want to post the things I post. This way, I can take useless, toxic thoughts and dispose of them. At the same time, I can take the more constructive thoughts, write them in a notebook for future use, and maybe develop them into writing prompts. I haven't written in a while anyways.

Here's a few thoughts:
  • I haven't prayed a nightly prayer out loud in a long time. But tonight I did. Speaking prayers out loud tends to be a lot more spontaneous than saying them in my head because sometimes I say things that weren't filtered through my head before they're said. Today I prayed that everyone would come to know Your Love, rather than praying for everyone's happiness. The thought has never previously come to me, until I listened to myself say it. But I really do wish that for everyone over happiness. I think our purpose is to seek You and draw closer to You. Not to be happy. Heck, what do we know about what would make us happy anyways? We fail relentlessly. Plus, Your Son came into Earth to do Your will, and in that he endured utmost suffering. I will continue to pray that everyone will come to know Your Love. And that You will strengthen me to bring them towards you.
  • Discipline is a spiked ball and many of its faces have been thrown at me in the past six months of so. I always overlooked its value because even though I have always been an anxious wreck when it came to thoughts about the future, when it came to present situations the greater goodness of the future didn't seem to bother me one bit. I would always choose instant gratification so I can be "happy" right here and right now. "I'll just deal with future consequences when that time comes". So dumb, I know. And I still struggle with this heavily, but acknowledgment is the first step to fixing problems right? This is the reason my exam/assignment pressure mode switch has been switching on closer and closer to the exam date/deadline. Because "I'll deal with it when it comes". Or the reason I never prepare beforehand for interviews. Or the reason I'm constantly broke. "Because I'll deal with no money when that time comes. But right now I still have some, so I'm not going to worry about it." Or the reason I make such extreme decisions and throw curveballs at everyone. Because I can't stand present-time obstacles and run from them without even thinking about the direction I'm running. I think it's an after effect of extreme anxiety. I just don't want to worry anymore. But there's a difference between worrying too much about situations you cannot change and deciding not to worry at all about something that you can positively change for the sake of the future. Discipline and moderation, Camille. You can do it.
  • The concept of your purpose aligning with the deeply rooted desires that have been embedded in your heart is fascinating. 
  • I have significantly gotten closer with every member of my family. 
  • I really enjoy school.
  • Every single time I have made a full blown plan for myself, it got destroyed hahaha. Must stop doing that. 
  • Sleeping with a mouthguard, clothing that is uncomfortable (everything), after taking naps, when you're hungry, is hard.
But I'm going to try now. Goodnight! 

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