An online journal created to seek meaning and purpose, to feel,

to dream, to discover, to spread joy and light, to love all of creation,

to glorify and magnify the Creator.

Monday, December 15, 2014

My laptop charger is broken.

So I forced myself to type this out via iPad.
Hey world, I turned 19 yesterday. Here are some thoughts.

Birthdays can mean a number of things to different people. For some, it's an opportunity for fellowship and an excuse to create unforgettable (or to be more accurate, highly forgettable) memories haha! For others, it's just like every other day.
For me, birthdays have always been the checkpoint mark to revisit myself. I always visualize it by zooming out on my life over the past year and seeing it in an aerial perspective, comparing where 18 year old Camille was on December 14, 2013, up to this very point.
Funny how I leave each year feeling like life is a big room that I have completely explored and studied to its fullest extent, but then The Father throws a curve ball at me and shows me that I really know nothing at all. And then the succeeding year, he'll take that room that I have memorized and open five more doors for me to explore. 
This past year, He has granted me the most freedom by far and has allowed me to explore a new land - a battlefield where I must continually choose to have faith and place my life in His hands. In these new lands, I have sacrificed a lot and found treasure by choosing to let go. Here, I am a seed planted in an environment where I can grow and thrive by overcoming each challenge I face. Here, I am free to fail knowing that my worth is invaluable and that I only fail when I choose to do so. Here, I am also a sower of seeds - called to love more than I have ever loved before. Called to share the passion. Called to share the peace. And called to do so amidst any kind of resistance against spreading the good news. Here, I continue to grow as a person. I continue to explore the potential of the world that surrounds me and the infinite potential in myself. Here, I have hope. Here, I am free. Here, I am.

Thank you Lord, for another wonderful year of life. And a year of a straight up 90 degree angle learning curve too. I once spoke a lot about times when the empire that I had built for myself collapsed. I once cried nightly for the ruins that surrounded me and the pieces that I couldn't bear to pick up. I couldn't bear to restart. I stayed in those ruins for a while. And I'm glad I did. 
John Maxwell teaches that failure is a friend. When we fail, contrary to popular belief, try not to flee the scene of the crime as soon as you can. Try not to pretend you were never there by running away in shame. Stay there for a bit and look around. Sit amidst the brokenness and try to see what it's trying to teach you. 
In the destruction of my empire, I discovered the reason it collapsed. The entire thing was built on the wrong foundation. It was a house built on sand. My empire was based on what others thought of me. It was based on status - on the amazing things my parents could tell their friends about me, on the number of friendships I had, on the outward performance of my talents, on my grades, on the love and care others gave to me, on being a perfect child/daughter/sister/friend/girlfriend/student/person. My foundation, despite desiring an amazing life, was selfishness wearing a mask. It's great to dream about living a great life, but please avoid my mistake and seek that life by the proper means to attain it. Live for a life of giving rather than receiving.

Today, I choose not to rebuild my own empire. I choose to build up my Father's. 
It is freeing to no longer care about whether or not I am up to par with the world's standards - even if that means not adhering to my parents' utmost desires for me or my friends' expectations of me. I love you a lot, but above all else, I am God's child. I will do what is pleasing to Him. If it means blocking out all other voices so that His voice is made loud and clear, then let all other voices be blocked out. I know how inherently valuable I am without any other worldly expectations to validate me. 
I am beautiful. 
I am loved. 
I am free. 
I'm 19 now apparently. 
Here's to another year!!!!!
Another day, another destiny! 

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