An online journal created to seek meaning and purpose, to feel,

to dream, to discover, to spread joy and light, to love all of creation,

to glorify and magnify the Creator.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013


I'm wasting my time, my energy and myself trying to heave this boat.
I pull and pull and pull, and I finally think I'm getting somewhere,
but with one slight breeze from you, I'm thrown in the opposite direction.
I lose myself.
I lose any sense of navigation I once had and I'm forced to drop the anchors. 
How I wish these anchors were heavy enough to just sink this boat,
So that I'm not forced to motionlessly float here, white flag raised, in desperation.
I feel the world laughing at me and my foolishness.
I'm so pathetic and 
I feel so ashamed. 
I feel so ashamed for trying aimlessly for something that I knew wouldn't work from the start. 
I feel so ashamed because well, I'm a sister and all I ever hear are voices shouting at me for even being in this position. I'm supposed to be guarded. I'm supposed to be fought for. But instead, I'm running, bolting into the battlefield knowing my doom awaits me. What a fool. 
I don't even know how many times I've reread my previous post and tried to pull through with it. 
And it's not that I don't believe it either, because I do.
I believe it with everything I've got. Heck, I even catch myself nodding to my own words.
But like so many things in this world, it's easier said than done. 

I'm so tired. 
The weight that my heart constantly drags around is overwhelming.
It drains me out and prevents me from doing anything worth doing.
It prevents me from being myself.
And I miss myself. So much.

I'm so tired of being nothing but empty space to you.
I'm so tired of being empty.
I'm so tired of being strong - when I appear to be so strong and stable that I'm unworthy of being saved by you.
I'm so tired of being weak.
I'm so tired of feeling like I'm in a constant competition.
And no matter how well I do when I compete, knowing that the highest I'll ever place is second.
Second to no one.
Because even if I win this time around, I'll never be able to beat the record set years ago.
I'm so tired.

Yet all I can do is stay in place,
because I'm familiar with this.
I've seen this scenario too many times before.
And whenever I try to run away, I crash.
I crash into barricades of rubber and bounce right back to where I was.
I have no more energy. 
So here I am, motionlessly floating here, white flag raised, in desperation.
Save me.

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