Friday, April 12, 2013
A Compilation of Love
The state of serenity that I now sit alongside is immensely gratifying and is a state of peace-with-myself that I have been deprived of for a long, LONG time.
I am PRESENTLY sitting on a field and able to appreciate each little vibration in the grass that this breeze brings about.
I feel it.
I can finally sing again -
Sing, without Coldplay or Mariana’s Trench repetitively stabbing my chest.
Sing, with a happy heart.
The endless supply of effort, love and support, that I have received these past few days has been so overwhelming and I feel incredibly undeserving of it.
Now, for all I know, this hill may lead me upwards or downwards even more, but I am not bothered.
We all receive our share of sufferings in life, and I've been blessed as I never really have much to complain about.
What I'm going through now is only preparing me and strengthening me for greater challenges that await me. - Challenges that I will take on, in order to do His will.
I am a warrior.
Lastly, I just wanted to say that I am SO thankful to have someone who is so patient and forgiving towards me. To have someone who offers to help me carry my burdens, who will push me up from down under and be there for my hand at the top, to have someone who never ceases to forgive me despite all of the baggage that I've dumped on them.
The rest of this is for myself and my reflection purposes.
I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.
1 Corinthians 2:3-5
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
To see you so drained,
so drained from the gleam that is usually in your eyes
the smile that is usually on your face
the sound of bliss in your voice whenever you call me "belly".
There are no words to describe the sadness that fills a little corner in my heart
I can only try to warm you up
try to help you in any way possible
try to give you back your smile.
It hurts me to see you slowly breaking.
At the same time, I can't help but notice the beauty in your pain.
Not to say that your pain is in the least way amusing,
but that pain has an effect to give someone beauty.
The words you speak
it rips my heart slightly further into two to three and sometimes even four
How I wish your fragile little back wouldn't carry the world alone,
or how I wish I could disconnect those stars in your night sky
just so you can stare into the plain black sky and remember that it has beauty too.
If only I had these powers,
maybe I could give you back your gleam
and your blissful voice.
Another night of writing. I don’t know why I even write my problems down because it hurts and I cry every time I do so it hurts me even more. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She’s crying at school, she’s frustrated, hurt, stressed, in pain, and every other possible word that results in tears. I hate it. I hate seeing her like this because she doesn’t know how much she’s a part of me. I feel what she does. And I guess that’s weird to say but she’s always been someone I looked up to and inspired me to do things I don’t think I would have ever done. So seeing her go down on her graduating year, the year that is supposed to be the best year so far, hurts me too. It’s not fair for her. I don’t blame her. I just want her to be happy. I know she doesn’t want to show it all, knowing she’s unsatisfied with her life at the moment but I know. Every day is just another hurtful and painful day she has to go through. I’ve been wanting to talk to her a lot, but I’ve had my own dumb problems that no one seems to bother asking about. But that’s okay. It’s not like that’s new.
Anyways, I’m writing because I really REALLY can’t get over the fact that she’s losing herself and she’s suffering so much and that there’s nothing I can do about it because I don’t even know what to do because I too have lost myself. You know, she’s the only person who taught me to be better and be ambitious. She’s the only who never really gave up on me. Knowing I can’t push her up like how she did with me, I can’t do it. I can’t help but cry about it. She doesn’t see how much it tears me down too, but I don’t want her too. It seems foolish of me to try to help her because she’s the only one that helps me, but I’m trying to be the best person I can be for her too. “How can you understand something that you’ve never had” is a quote I’ll probably hold on for a while because she says her situation “isn’t a big problem” yet she comes to me about it. And I see what it does to her, it is a problem. I know she just tries to reject it sometimes. It feels like i'm on a never-ending train of thoughts about her problems too. She's not by herself but I know she feels like the world is too overwhelming to handle. I can't do anything about it, so please.. Help. Her. Lord.
Camille. I don't know what to do or say to make you feel better. I wish I could figure out what it is that will take away all your problems, but I don't know much either. I just want you to know that you're not alone. I can resonate with the way that you feel, though I know I will never be able to fully understand. I can say that I feel the same way for some of your thoughts, but that won't solve anything. I really am at a loss for words. I want so desperately to be the one to fix you, but I know that only God can do that and it will all happen in His time.
In the meantime, that doesn't mean I'll be sitting idly. I always want you to know that I'm here for you. It always amazes me how we could go for weeks and months of not talking, with only lighthearted "what's ups?" but yet we can still have those moments like the one where it was just you and me in the washroom at M7FH where we unloaded everything to each other.
Even if I don't know what to say, it doesn't mean I'm not willing to listen and be the person who will hug you when you cry or be the one who will carry you when you're tired.
I made this playlist for you in hopes that you will listen to it and that it will help. It's called breathe, and that's what I'd love for you to do while you listen to it. Maybe play it before you go to bed while you're staring at your ceiling to keep your thoughts company. Listen to the lyrics of each and every song and follow the journey from low to high that it will hopefully take you.