Sunday, November 3, 2013
9:37
Well, it's as I suspected from the start.
The apathetic approach evidently wasn't the best way to take anything really.
Instead of expanding the room in my heart to love, it merely expanded my tolerance level.
But is tolerance really love?
No. Plus there will always be a limit. A limit that I'm very close to approaching.
Instead of growing in love, I have continued to grow in resentment.
I have never in my life felt such hatred for myself.
I have wandered away from where I strived to be, in order to make myself feel better.
I have am not loving, nor gentle, nor kind, nor patient, nor forgiving. And the farthest thing away from selfless.
All I wanted was to find myself. To find my true calling. To find the place in me where the limit to my love does not exist.
By walking away from the things that I fear, the things that hurt me, but the things that I dearly care about, I have walked away from myself.
But I was tired.
I was tired of consuming thoughts, I was tired of waves of misery. All I wanted was rest from a seemingly endless war with myself.
And so as I was struck with things that would normally leave scars on me, I told myself that I didn't care. And I distracted myself. Over and over again, I would distract myself from the pain by doing the things that make me happy.
I would take the time out of my days to take myself out on dates. To buy myself a coffee and take photos and design websites and take on new projects. But I can't do that all the time.
And that's where I'm at right now.
I've chosen to neglect my schooling (obviously not in my mind because my due dates continue to linger in there like a spinning crib mobile), but I've put the things that bring me joy above my duties because I needed to make myself feel better. And it only ever backfires on me.
As I struggle to make my way through this upcoming week, with three papers and a midterm that I've made no progress on, I pray for guidance. For motivation. For peace.
I need answers. I'm so sick of wallowing in my own self-pity.
"To walk through a cave" used to be a point in my bucket list. I'm not sure if I want to anymore.
I've been in a cave for too long. And I want out.
Lord, I need you.
The apathetic approach evidently wasn't the best way to take anything really.
Instead of expanding the room in my heart to love, it merely expanded my tolerance level.
But is tolerance really love?
No. Plus there will always be a limit. A limit that I'm very close to approaching.
Instead of growing in love, I have continued to grow in resentment.
I have never in my life felt such hatred for myself.
I have wandered away from where I strived to be, in order to make myself feel better.
I have am not loving, nor gentle, nor kind, nor patient, nor forgiving. And the farthest thing away from selfless.
All I wanted was to find myself. To find my true calling. To find the place in me where the limit to my love does not exist.
By walking away from the things that I fear, the things that hurt me, but the things that I dearly care about, I have walked away from myself.
But I was tired.
I was tired of consuming thoughts, I was tired of waves of misery. All I wanted was rest from a seemingly endless war with myself.
And so as I was struck with things that would normally leave scars on me, I told myself that I didn't care. And I distracted myself. Over and over again, I would distract myself from the pain by doing the things that make me happy.
I would take the time out of my days to take myself out on dates. To buy myself a coffee and take photos and design websites and take on new projects. But I can't do that all the time.
And that's where I'm at right now.
I've chosen to neglect my schooling (obviously not in my mind because my due dates continue to linger in there like a spinning crib mobile), but I've put the things that bring me joy above my duties because I needed to make myself feel better. And it only ever backfires on me.
As I struggle to make my way through this upcoming week, with three papers and a midterm that I've made no progress on, I pray for guidance. For motivation. For peace.
I need answers. I'm so sick of wallowing in my own self-pity.
"To walk through a cave" used to be a point in my bucket list. I'm not sure if I want to anymore.
I've been in a cave for too long. And I want out.
Lord, I need you.
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