Thursday, November 21, 2013
To the anonymous commenter who provided me with new insight, a beautiful bible verse and the feeling of being cared for, thank you. If you are still reading, I hope you appreciate this update.
I woke up at 6 in the morning today, so that I could leave my house by 7:30 and be able to attend the morning service at St. Matthew's. It has been quite some time since I last attended morning mass. I assume it's the darkness and fog that hover over my window in the morning that has kept me wrapped in my sheets and glued on to my bed. But praise God for my CP Matthew and for the projects that have yet to be finished! You have served as my motivation to get up this morning. I have been struck with a bolt of light and I do hope that this approach is here to stay.
Anonymous, you are right. I have left myself far from a position to be found. I have unsuccessfully attempted to fill the deficiency in security, security that I so-desperately long for, by hiding. But that has only left me restless time and time again. I refuse to continue to be an insulator to the light that has been patiently tapping my shoulder with its rays. I will cease to ignore the voice that has been searching for me, the lost sheep. I will conduct. I will embrace. I will radiate.
When I stepped out of my house this morning, my surroundings immediately caught my attention. The sky was clear, the moon was still out and boldly shining and everything, from the streets, the rooftops and the grass, was covered in a thin layer of frost. It felt foreign to me. Foreign and exciting, and left a smirk on my face. As I continued to walk to the bus stop, it was impossible to miss the breathtaking contrast between hues of orange and red that emerged from behind Mt. Baker on Fraser Highway. All I could think about was that God is present and He is working. His works were so evident through my surroundings this morning.
Each reading was able to speak to me.
The first reading that spoke of a mother, who was "Most admirable and worth of everlasting remembrance [as she] saw her seven sons perish in a single day, yet bore it courageously because of her hope in the Lord. Filled with a noble spirit that stirred her womanly heart with manly courage…" reminded me of a talk I had heard last week on the significance of suffering.
And the Gospel, that spoke about fear that binds and inhibits one from fulfilling their purpose.
For the different outlooks that have touched on every aspect of my life that I currently struggle with, thank You.
"Nothing happens by chance or coincidence. Nothing without My permission. I attend to all the details in your life, everything that affects you, from the smallest and most insignificant things to the biggest things, I will mould you according to what is best for your growth and bring you closer to Me. At times, you will need to experience failures and downfalls. It is during these moments when you will feel all My fatherly concern, My strong and powerful hand lifting you up, carrying you every step of the way, most especially during your darkest hours when you will feel much pain and desolation. But do not be afraid. I am looking after you always. Nothing happens without My permission, nothing without a purpose. I only allow whatever will bring good for you in the end. Remember I love you, I care for you, I will never forsake you."
Dear Jesus, help me to spread Your fragrance everywhere I go. Flood my soul with Your spirit and life. Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly that all my life may only be a radiance of Yours. Shine through me and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with may feel Your presence in my soul. Let them look up and see no longer me but only Jesus! Stay with me and then I shall begin to shine as You shine, so to shine as to be a light to others; the light, O Jesus, will be all from You; none of it will be mine: it will be You shining on others through me. Let me thus praise You in the way You love best: by shining on those around me. Let me preach You without preaching, not by words, but by my example, by the catching force, the sympathetic influence of what I do, the evident fullness of the love my heart bears to You.