I can't express my gratefulness in words

Your will, not mine.

Probably every single time I have dwelled upon and constantly asked God why I had to endure certain sufferings in my life, after a while I was able to see the purpose that those experience have served and I have become thankful that I was able to experience and overcome what I did. Those experiences have allowed me to surrender to Him and to allow Him to chip away at me so that I can become whatever it is He has planned for me to become. That's a given. Although I don't see it as it is in the process of unfolding, it always seems to pan out that way once I zoom out far enough to see more of the picture.

Every so often though, I realize that the suffering I had to endure and the exact way that I did it was something I intentionally asked God for through a prayer. He gave me exactly what I wanted. Exactly. And by wanting what I thought was best for me, I inflicted so much pain onto myself. He gave it to me anyways though because He knew it would do me good. It's absolutely mind-boggling though. And this is the third time now that I've asked God for something, he gives me that exact thing months later, I forget I ever asked for it, and I find myself in so much pain because of what I originally asked for.

Some crazy stuff.
In case anyone stumbles upon this though, just clearing up that I am doing really well.
The storm I speak of was months ago, but I only realized today that I called for that storm to come.
From this day forth, I ask for Your will to be done.

Father, you never fail.

How foolish was I to assume that I knew what I needed without consulting with You?

Amidst powerful waves that once consumed me, in the recent past, I found myself stronger and able to stay afloat for once.

For the longest time, it felt great knowing that I have been able to develop the strength to fight the current and keep my head above sea level. 

But though I was able to keep myself up, I never realized I was swimming without direction. 

I was growing tired swimming in circles, but I was so focused on moving forward, on moving away that the tiredness didn't even come to mind. I just wanted to get away.  

This weekend, You stilled the waters. 

The silence was new and utterly frustrating. After moving with speed and strength for so long, it was unsettling that the waters were so... Settled. 

Why did it stop Lord? Why aren't I moving forward anymore? Why aren't I moving at all anymore? Why aren't I feeling anything anymore? 

I have felt so strongly about everything that has come and gone in my life, that I became afraid when I felt absolutely nothing. 

I became afraid of not moving forward, because I knew my horrifying tendencies of looking back at the past whenever I wasn't. 

I became afraid of stillness because I was so unfamiliar with it. 

It was either forward or back, forward or back. Up or down, up or down. That's what I was used to.

My life has been so full of extremes, that finally reaching a static point scared me.

So I tried to make myself feel, but still there was nothing. Nothing but stillness.

SPEAK LORD, SPEAK!!!!! I cried out. 

But I heard nothing, from You or from anyone. No matter how loudly and frequently I did. Even when it came to countless topics that I once felt so strongly and had so much to say about.

I think I just needed to stop swimming and trust that I would still float whether or not I paddled and used up all of my energy doing so. 

I needed to stop swimming so I could focus and redirect myself to Him. So that I could actually swim towards something and not just swim aimlessly to run from the past. 

Thanks for Your endless love and patience with me, and the overflow of blessings You chuck at my face when I don't expect or deserve it. 

Your ways, your abundance in selflessness and love, will always go over my head.

I will forever be amazed by You. I will forever be madly in love with You. I will forever strive to give and love in the ways You have shown me.  

Traits of Charismatic People

Haven't read the entire thing yet but marking for future reference. 

You feel charisma the moment it enters the room. It's not just that someone is likable. Charismatic people draw attention. They automatically energize you and motivate you to step up, to take action. What is it about them? All in all, they are certainly likable, but it's more than that. Are they born charismatic, or do they learn how to be that way? It's probably a little of both. But either way, charismatic people inspire us and get us talking.

It's likely that you have some charismatic traits that can be developed to help you attract and inspire those around you. If you aspire to be charismatic, here is a list of behaviors to expand on.

1. Charismatic people exude joy. The first thing you notice about charismatic people is the spark of life. Whether they are saviors or troublemakers, they have a strong passion that triggers powerful emotions in those around them. Even in anger, they make people feel happy to join a cause. They show obvious pleasure in experiences, and they invite others to share in the experience they are having. Enhance your charisma by sharing your passions with those around you and helping their passions flourish.

2. Charismatic people inspire confidence. It seems that charismatic people have the world in their control. Their personal self-worth and confidence appear strong, even when they're not. They have faith in their abilities, their knowledge, and their worth. They also know the line between confidence and narcissism. They don't disparage or dismiss the people around them. Enhance your charisma by dampening your insecurities in favor of celebrating your strengths. Share your confidence with others so they feel stronger in your presence.

3.  Charismatic people share conviction. The times that charismatic people stand out the most is when they are driving a movement. Charismatic people believe in something powerfully and share that belief with others. Their conviction and consistent actions influence others to follow. Dedicated followers add exponentially to the energy that oozes from a charismatic leader. Apathy will kill charisma and momentum. Enhance your charisma by being diligent and committed. Inspire others by helping them engage in a common cause.

4. Charismatic people are great storytellers. People don't follow someone simply because they are told to do so. Moving someone to action requires context and motivation. Stories are the most effective way to get to the emotional core to break inertia. Charismatic people have a talent for spinning a yarn that connects deeply and relates directly to the action that needs to occur. Their voice, inflection, and manner are easy to listen to and pleasant. They have the ability to express drama and intrigue so people want to hear more.Enhance your charisma by learning to craft and tell meaningful, emotional stories. Practice the arts of humor, metaphor, and symbolism so you can entertain while you inform.

5. Charismatic people connect empathetically. It has been said that when Bill Clinton speaks to you, he makes you feel that you are the only person on the planet. This is a talent of charismatic people. They genuinely and instinctively focus their eyes, ears, and soul on your being, not theirs. They make you laugh, they make you feel heard, they make you feel special or fascinated or safe or interesting. It isn't the same feeling in every case. But people connect and stay, because they are having strong, positive emotions in the presence of someone truly charismatic. Enhance your charisma by focusing all of your energy and attention on the person in front of you. Shut down your inner voice and connect so you can see, hear, and feel the energy and information he or she is sharing.

Resilience
Her foundation is solidly rooted in the Divine love of God, therefore she is not easily shaken. She is comforted in knowing that when she is faithful and thankful during trials and hardships, that she will safely come out of the storm even more prepared and sharpened for a spiritual promotion.

Fearless
She welcomes the future in all of its unknown mystery. Even if she does feel afraid, she does what she has been called to do anyways. Being bold and courageous in the middle of fear has produced great victories throughout history. She always lets her faith be bigger than her fear.

Vision
She recognizes that her God-given gifts and abilities should not be taken for granted, but rather are quite profitable and for this she continually gives thanks. She joyfully refines her gifts and uses them strategically to inspire good things through them.

Work Ethic
She is not known for laziness; she works diligently. Even when the job seems less than ideal, she always works with a cheerful heart and a constant gratitude for the ability to work and provide. This way, her happiness is not contingent on circumstances alone.

tabula rasa

re·flex

ˈrēˌfleks/

noun

1. 1.

   an action that is performed as a response to a stimulus and without conscious thought.

Thoughts:

In the realization that we've revealed too much of the precious treasures the King gifted and entrusted to us to guard, and shared them with any wandering adventurer who was curious enough to knock - when we unveil too much of a valuable map that was to remain a secret, only to be shared with the most worthy pursuer, is it a normal reflex to seek change?
Is it normal to want to relocate where the fortress once stood; to seek as many new experiences as you possibly can, in order to regain a sense of personal mystery and untouched identity to guard once again?
Is this a reason why people have urges to cut their hair, make abrupt changes to their appearance or personality? - The reason for a sudden raging desire to improve and create untouched, untampered characteristics that never existed before?
Sometimes I feel moved to destroy the smallest quirks that devise "me" so I can feel like an unused scratch card once again.
But I know that I'm so much more precious than a disposable scratch card.
Help me ease this restlessness.

I'm Itchy

Rummaging through abandoned lots with fearless sisters!!

Summer Set In Motion

Before I start packing for tomorrow's trip, I guess I'll write a short blurb about yesterday's shenanigans. After a whole semester of being one whole campus apart from Paula, we were finally able to meet up and catch up. The day consisted of hopping onto random busses, stumbling upon a bike rental shack, mean Vancouverites, biking around the seawall, loitering at school, celebrity shots, starving ourselves, Pasta Tuesday with Natedawg and Kuya Mike, laughing/crying and candy made from sugar + water. 

Happiness Is Not The Goal

Ironically stumbled upon this post today after my little ramble last night about not wishing happiness upon people. Here for future reference!

As a young adult, being happy seemed to be the only alternative to being depressed.

Later, happiness became like a true north in leaving a logic-based life for a more heart-felt approach. And though I’ve not always been aware of my preoccupation with the pursuit of happiness, it’s deeply entrenched in me. It’s the filter with which I make decisions, big or small.

The pursuit of happiness has become a guide to a post-modern society.

It’s why many of us get married…”Happily ever after.” It’s also why many marrieds get divorced…”I deserve to be happy.”

It makes some of us quit the rat race to pursue a passion. It keeps others of us trapped in the rate race to acquire the next home, boat, or retirement.

It inspires addictions to pain killers, or to pornography, or to petrón and drives others to stay away from such vices.

IT’S THE FILTER WE MAKE DECISIONS THROUGH – NO LONGER BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD, BUT “WHICH CHOICE WILL MAKE US HAPPIEST?”

The pursuit is everywhere. We hear it in our songs and see it in the lives of our celebrities. It’s the filter we make decisions through – no longer between good and bad, but “which choice will make us happiest?”

All this is well and good. Except that happiness happens to be a lousy guide.

I, like many, have learned this the hard way. But as our modern observations of happiness evolve, there are more than a couple reasons to elect a new guide.

The Pursuit of Happiness Makes You Unhappy

Not long ago, sociologists manufactured a situation with a moderate amount of stress and invited two sets of people in to it. The first set, when interviewed, valued being happy above most things in life. The second group didn’t cite being driven by happiness in any way. Group one, those that made happiness a goal, reported 50 percent less frequent positive emotions, 35 percent less satisfaction about life and 75 percent more depressive symptoms.

This experiment is one of many sources that suggest the higher importance we put on being happy, the less likely it is that we become happy.

Happiness is Fickle

According to science, what we feel when we feel happy is actually the release of two hormones, Dopamine and Oxytocin. And though this rush is a beautiful gift to us, it’s also proven to not stick around for very long. Not only are our bodies unable to handle this chemical reaction consistently over long seasons of time, but we eventually fall victim to what scientists have called “Hedonic Adaptation.” In other words, the things that most thrill us in one particular season tend to be short-lived and do little for us in the next.

Happiness Is a Byproduct

Viktor Frankl was a good friend and professional counterpart of Sigmund Freud. He also happened to be the only one to refute Freud’s conclusions about the validity of a direct pursuit of happiness. After years of experimentation, he infamously concluded, "It is a characteristic of the American culture that, again and again, one is commanded and ordered to ‘be happy. But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to ‘be happy.'"

In other words, if you want to be happy, don’t directly pursue it.

The key to finding happiness is to not let it guide you. It’s electing a better, more meaningful guide in life that will create a reason to be happy.

THE KEY TO FINDING HAPPINESS IS TO NOT LET IT GUIDE YOU. IT’S ELECTING A BETTER, MORE MEANINGFUL GUIDE IN LIFE THAT WILL CREATE A REASON TO BE HAPPY.

Of course, this felt need for a guide is nothing new. Yes, we’ve currently filled the role with happiness, but we, as humans, have always looked for a guide. As kids, we look to parents or coaches. As adults, we look to leaders or a system of what’s accepted or a plethora of 10 step success formulas.

The red flag that this happiness paradox raises, however, is not about our need to be guided, but rather who, or what, we designate as our guide.

An emotion? Tradition? Your father’s expectations? Barack Obama? Hollywood? Seth Godin? Self-actualization? A combination of them all?

Certainly, we’ve all tried to find our true north in many of these at one time or another. And I’d assume that, in most attempts, the compass inevitably seems to be broken.

But then there are those realities that seem to transcend an ideal or a government or a leader and offer a very real alternative to be guided by fading emotions or non-personal guidelines in life.

Yes, happiness is a lousy guide, but it was never intended to be a guide in the first place. Our guide—our “true north”—is not fleeting at all.

In fact, He’s been with us the whole time.

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/happiness-not-goal#fj4GCzkb80rXEtqy.99

Soul Vacation

I've decided to refrain from posting useless rants and cries for attention on Twitter. It's no serious epiphany of any sort.
I just feel the need to to discipline myself more.
For starters, I guess I could improve upon patience, slightly decreasing my impulsiveness and turning to the Lord for comfort, rather than sending negative vibes to everyone over social media.
I think fasting from Twitter will help me understand myself more and the underlying reasons behind why I want to post the things I post. This way, I can take useless, toxic thoughts and dispose of them. At the same time, I can take the more constructive thoughts, write them in a notebook for future use, and maybe develop them into writing prompts. I haven't written in a while anyways.

Here's a few thoughts:

• I haven't prayed a nightly prayer out loud in a long time. But tonight I did. Speaking prayers out loud tends to be a lot more spontaneous than saying them in my head because sometimes I say things that weren't filtered through my head before they're said. Today I prayed that everyone would come to know Your Love, rather than praying for everyone's happiness. The thought has never previously come to me, until I listened to myself say it. But I really do wish that for everyone over happiness. I think our purpose is to seek You and draw closer to You. Not to be happy. Heck, what do we know about what would make us happy anyways? We fail relentlessly. Plus, Your Son came into Earth to do Your will, and in that he endured utmost suffering. I will continue to pray that everyone will come to know Your Love. And that You will strengthen me to bring them towards you.
• Discipline is a spiked ball and many of its faces have been thrown at me in the past six months of so. I always overlooked its value because even though I have always been an anxious wreck when it came to thoughts about the future, when it came to present situations the greater goodness of the future didn't seem to bother me one bit. I would always choose instant gratification so I can be "happy" right here and right now. "I'll just deal with future consequences when that time comes". So dumb, I know. And I still struggle with this heavily, but acknowledgment is the first step to fixing problems right? This is the reason my exam/assignment pressure mode switch has been switching on closer and closer to the exam date/deadline. Because "I'll deal with it when it comes". Or the reason I never prepare beforehand for interviews. Or the reason I'm constantly broke. "Because I'll deal with no money when that time comes. But right now I still have some, so I'm not going to worry about it." Or the reason I make such extreme decisions and throw curveballs at everyone. Because I can't stand present-time obstacles and run from them without even thinking about the direction I'm running. I think it's an after effect of extreme anxiety. I just don't want to worry anymore. But there's a difference between worrying too much about situations you cannot change and deciding not to worry at all about something that you can positively change for the sake of the future. Discipline and moderation, Camille. You can do it.
• http://affectiveliving.wordpress.com/2014/03/08/what-students-really-need-to-hear/
• The concept of your purpose aligning with the deeply rooted desires that have been embedded in your heart is fascinating. 
• I have significantly gotten closer with every member of my family. 
• I really enjoy school.
• Every single time I have made a full blown plan for myself, it got destroyed hahaha. Must stop doing that. 
• Sleeping with a mouthguard, clothing that is uncomfortable (everything), after taking naps, when you're hungry, is hard.

But I'm going to try now. Goodnight! 

I need a post with a title

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist #np

Celebrating 50 years of my father's life. Here's to the most patient, humble and loving man in my life.

T'was a lovely way to end the week with the best company and a new set of odd stories to add to my collection. Here's to morning mass, ripping my shirt, snorting out water, Google map errors, awkward men asking to take our photo, used book stores, Ferrero Rocher flavoured bubble tea and a new found appreciation for chicken and Steve Rogers!

Just a short two-photo post because I actually went out and used my camera today! I've been struck by a positive wave of motivation and inspiration and I hope to document it here for myself, so that I have a means of looking back at the memories I've created, as well as a reason to push myself to take on new projects and unlock my potential. With a new year and a new mission for this online journal, I plan to do just that: "To seek meaning and purpose, to feel, to dream, to spread joy and light, to love all of creation and to glorify and magnify the Creator." Here's to what's He has in store for me!

Camille

3:55

An ambivalent task lay ahead of me when I awoke this morning. It was around 7:20 am and the earliest I have ever been up all of winter break (aside from when I just don't sleep at all). I took the early start as an opportunity to clean the part of my room that I always neglect during so-called "room cleaning days" - my closet.
Funny thing is, I always equate cleaning my room to cleaning my life, so why I continually refuse to clean the messiest part of my room is beyond me. I finished cleaning my closet at 3pm. It took a while, but I did it! Nonetheless, closet cleaning isn't necessarily the task I had in mind when I opened this post. I was more or less intimidated by the endeavour of New Year reflecting and resolution-making.
Turning the last page to the best story I have ever written still ties my stomach into knots, but I am grateful anyway and psyched to write the sequel.

Here's to:
- Student Council Executive 2013. To skipping classes to tally votes or count money. To hardcore filming days and editing nights. To our failed balloon drop. And to the incredible bond we all shared. Team. 
- Graduating. To all the debuts this year. To preparing for Artonas. To grad spirit weeks and going all-out. To taking the best friendship photo S/O to Nate, David and Paula. To getting asked to Grad on my glowing overpass x fireworks x flowers. To shopping for grad dresses. To "getting ready for the night of nights". To setting foot on willow tree grounds for the first time ever. To twirling around in our dresses and genuinely feeling like a princess. To grad gowns that were the exact replica of HSM's. To each time I was able to walk across Chandos during commencements. 
- Adventures. To van trips with Robert and Paula (Lighthouse park and Allouette Lake). To trips to Port Kells during lunch S/O Elizabeth and Robert. To WTNC Jesus Expo x seeing shooting stars x being a fool for God. To my first time overnight camping with friends for Paula's 18th. To watching the sunrise at 5am at White Rock, sitting through Legally Blonde the Musical in the pouring rain, watching the English Bay fireworks for the first time S/O Paula, Mike, Jeff. To sneaking out of the house for the first time ever x2. To Tynehead Overpass. To Green Timbers. To Menchies. To Chocolate Crinkles. 
- Ambitions. To opening La Braderie - the first legitimate self-owned store that I have always dreamed of having. To getting accepted to University. To passing calculus!! 
- Firsts. To my many firsts this year. 
- Growth. To my new household. To my old household. To Mr. Prescott. To suffering. To exponentially growing in deep and utter love of Christ. To the most difficult and by far, the best year of my life. To hope.   
- Inspiration. To every book that has captivated me, to every post I've written, to every photo I've taken and to every piece I've painted this year. 
- New things. To learning how to study, how to paint, how to bake, how to make rice, how to live, love, sacrifice, forgive and let go. 
- To each and every person who has moulded me into who I am.

Here's to it all.