3:55

An ambivalent task lay ahead of me when I awoke this morning. It was around 7:20 am and the earliest I have ever been up all of winter break (aside from when I just don't sleep at all). I took the early start as an opportunity to clean the part of my room that I always neglect during so-called "room cleaning days" - my closet.
Funny thing is, I always equate cleaning my room to cleaning my life, so why I continually refuse to clean the messiest part of my room is beyond me. I finished cleaning my closet at 3pm. It took a while, but I did it! Nonetheless, closet cleaning isn't necessarily the task I had in mind when I opened this post. I was more or less intimidated by the endeavour of New Year reflecting and resolution-making.
Turning the last page to the best story I have ever written still ties my stomach into knots, but I am grateful anyway and psyched to write the sequel.

Here's to:
- Student Council Executive 2013. To skipping classes to tally votes or count money. To hardcore filming days and editing nights. To our failed balloon drop. And to the incredible bond we all shared. Team. 
- Graduating. To all the debuts this year. To preparing for Artonas. To grad spirit weeks and going all-out. To taking the best friendship photo S/O to Nate, David and Paula. To getting asked to Grad on my glowing overpass x fireworks x flowers. To shopping for grad dresses. To "getting ready for the night of nights". To setting foot on willow tree grounds for the first time ever. To twirling around in our dresses and genuinely feeling like a princess. To grad gowns that were the exact replica of HSM's. To each time I was able to walk across Chandos during commencements. 
- Adventures. To van trips with Robert and Paula (Lighthouse park and Allouette Lake). To trips to Port Kells during lunch S/O Elizabeth and Robert. To WTNC Jesus Expo x seeing shooting stars x being a fool for God. To my first time overnight camping with friends for Paula's 18th. To watching the sunrise at 5am at White Rock, sitting through Legally Blonde the Musical in the pouring rain, watching the English Bay fireworks for the first time S/O Paula, Mike, Jeff. To sneaking out of the house for the first time ever x2. To Tynehead Overpass. To Green Timbers. To Menchies. To Chocolate Crinkles. 
- Ambitions. To opening La Braderie - the first legitimate self-owned store that I have always dreamed of having. To getting accepted to University. To passing calculus!! 
- Firsts. To my many firsts this year. 
- Growth. To my new household. To my old household. To Mr. Prescott. To suffering. To exponentially growing in deep and utter love of Christ. To the most difficult and by far, the best year of my life. To hope.   
- Inspiration. To every book that has captivated me, to every post I've written, to every photo I've taken and to every piece I've painted this year. 
- New things. To learning how to study, how to paint, how to bake, how to make rice, how to live, love, sacrifice, forgive and let go. 
- To each and every person who has moulded me into who I am.

Here's to it all.

3:40

Holy geez, creative release in any of its forms nourishes the desires of my heart in a way that no other worldly shenanigan can. Despite the stress that I had to endure earlier today, (worrying about practice times and seating arrangements...sigh) the latter part of the day was pure bliss. There's something about not having deadlines and being productive nonetheless that feels so free. Anyways, as of yesterday I am officially 18. Feels no different yet feels different at the same time. But praise God!! I am so incredibly grateful. I will remember red velvet cookie cakes from Burnaby, opening gifts in an empty theatre and getting attacked by an owl. This year was ample in new things, hardships, growth, strengthening and discovery. I am so excited to see what else You have in store for me!! On to the next chapter.

 

11:06

I keep encountering one good week after another and it's compelling me to believe that I've reached yet another inflection point in my life. This time, it's concave up and for that I am so so grateful!
Frick, I can't believe I just implemented Calculus into my writing. I take Applied Calculus for a reason, and that reason is to learn Calculus, not to use its lingo in my posts. But no matter, the important thing is that I'm learning and using something that I've learned! Hooray!
Here are some photos to commemorate another blessed week.

Clear skies and trips to SFU Burnaby are a good combination

I'm finding that my prayer time has been insufficient lately and so I'm taking the initiative to write letters to my Father every night instead as a prayer. 

Reminders are always welcomed.

1:33

You know, my life has been abundant in blessings lately. It's impossible for me to even look back at the past week and remember a day when I wasn't showered in graces from the Lord. 

I just wanted to say thank You.

• For the beautiful sunrises that You have placed in my path every morning, that allow me to recognize Your presence in my life. You are always there and it is simply but strongly comforting that I can be assured that You will never leave me. I love You so so much. 
• For the return of my love for exploring and photography - even if it's just through my phone. This week has made me feel alive. 
• For my new service role and household. For the challenges I will face and all of the things I have learned and will learn from all of you. For your uplifting greetings on GroupMe. Thank you.
• For my CCO Faith Study with Chantal and Caitlin. You have opened a new world for me. I truly look forward to every Friday so that I can enjoy the simple pleasure of sitting down with two people, sharing laughs and talking about our weeks. You have made this semester bearable.
• For my friends who have altered their schedules and made way so that they can attend my cotillion practices. For their toleration of my constant nagging. And for the joy that they bring to my home whenever they come by. 
• For my friends. Especially Angelica, Kim, Ina, Vanessa, Chantel, Rosabella, Paula, Kuya Mike. You have shown me such love and care. Thank you for taking the time to check up on me and  and for always being the wonderful support system that you always have been and that I am confident I will always be able to fall back on. I love you guys so much. Alissa, thank you for going out of your way to take me out, go to mass with me and fill me up with love. I will forever cherish our car rides, going to Vancouver, step class and Surrey Lake together. Madeleine, thank you for our weekly Thursday meetings and our talks about our life dreams. You provide me with so much hope. Angela, thank you for wishing me good days. Your morning greetings are extremely powerful and uplifting. Abby, Ynna, and Erin, for the constant encouragement and reminders that I desperately need to keep going, thank you. 
• And lastly, for my family. Mama and Papa, you have provided me with the most perfect, living example of what I need to strive to be like. Thank you for exemplifying Christ to me. Josh, for being of no trouble to me at all. Ever. You were only ever a help in my life and always did what I asked of you. I am so lucky. And Therese, for listening. Truly listening. and being the one person who knows me inside and out and still has not abandoned me. I love you so much. 

The fog is slowly moving out and allowing me to see more and more clearly. I can appreciate once again.
Brb. The empire is under renovation. But the rebuilding process has started and is well on its way. And for that, I'm thankful.
Perestroika.

 

1:39

I am using a medium sized, black leather, hard-cover bounded notebook AKA a freaking nice piece of stationary for school work, and I must say that it kind of makes me want to cry.

Thankful for a half-week of sunshine in my days and in my heart.

On Suffering

In continuation to my previous post,

Amidst the times of suffering that I have endured, recently more than ever,
I constantly strived to "embrace my cross", "to be joyful and to see suffering as a blessing". This approach, whenever I was reminded of it, brought me a sense of comfort as it temporarily suppressed my pain and reminded me of the degree to which Christ willingly suffered on the cross for me.
Before all of this, I never really stopped to question why it is that we have to suffer and why it is that Jesus had to die on the cross. The only answer I knew was "to take away the sins of the world". But how? Why did it have to be that way? Why does pain and suffering have to exist in the world?

Having gone so far astray that I didn't even recognize my surroundings anymore, the last thing I needed  at the time were more questions.
Last Friday, I attended morning mass and enjoyed breakfast with a beautiful sister of mine, prior to the math quiz that was causing so much anxiety in me. I am so grateful that to be able to feel at peace for once, even if it was only for a few hours. Later on in the day, Alissa accompanied me to listen to a talk by Scott Roy entitled, "If God is Good, why is there suffering?". Never had anything been so fitting. So illuminating.

Scott Roy witnessed his wife come close to tasting death in front of his eyes during her childbirth and recently discovered that his six year old son is diagnosed with muscular dystrophy and might not make it to the age of 12. Scott evidently underwent his fair share of suffering. Throughout this trauma, his faith and trust in the Lord remained strong.
I want to share his story and his message. Hopefully I will be able to recollect everything that I heard that night and reiterate Scott's insights to the same degree, so that I can look back at this whenever I need to.

"C.S. Lewis posed a question that my heart has longed to answer, in his book "The Problem of Pain". 
If God is good, he would want the best for His people. He would wish their happiness for them. 
If God is all-powerful, He would be capable of making that happen. 
So then, if God is both good and all-powerful, why is it that suffering exists in the world?

In order to answer the initial question: "Why does suffering exist?", we need to undergo a major paradigm shift.
What does it mean that God is good?
What is happiness?
What does it mean that God is almighty?

When we ask the question,"if God is both good and all-powerful, why is it that suffering exists?", we are pretty much searching long and hard for an answer that lies right in front of us. 
Asking God to take away suffering is asking God for a contradiction. 
Similar to asking God to create a four-sided triangle, it's absolute nonsense.
Yes, God is all-powerful, but he only does things that are possible. God does not make contradictions. He only makes things that make sense.
We must also consider that just because something does not make sense to us, it does not mean that it doesn't make sense at all. The idea of suffering is above us. 
Many people do not understand quantum physics, yet this does not mean that quantum physics does not exist.

God is love. And His object of affection is us. 
God did not need to make us. We are merely a creation of His overflowing love spilled out and therefore we are abundant. 
This, by definition, makes us"good".
But once again, although God loves us, He cannot create a contradiction. 
He desires for us to experience His glory, to be united with Him in Heaven, to know, to be known, to love and to be loved".
And the only way to be able to do this is if we are able to freely think and if we are able to freely choose. 
We need a REAL choice.
God cannot give us free will, yet create no choice as this is a contradiction. 
He made us rational creatures because without reason and rationality, we cannot truly know, be known, love and be loved.
It is this that opens up the possibility for suffering.

But it is possible to heal from this. Through Love. 
Love covers a multitude of sins. It is the language of God. The end goal. 
Love is the answer to all suffering.
In Love, we find our purpose: to give the gift of ourselves, to sacrifice ourselves just as Jesus did on the cross. 
The Kingdom IS love and it can only be experienced when we freely choose to enter it through Love.
When we recoil from giving and refuse to sacrifice, then that abode of love and self-gift will not be a Heaven for us.
It is in loving completely that we find total union with God and experience Heaven. 

Suffering is inevitable. It is integral to humanity.
When we understand that suffering IS the Master's hand working on a canvas for every living soul, it becomes easier to understand why it is so necessary. 
If we reject this hand, we'll never achieve the perfection, the glory, that God desired for us.  
We must allow the artist to scrape away. To work on us.

In turn, we must embrace our crosses because they lead us into the glory that He desired for us. Suffering, and how one deals with it is a major defining aspect of every religion, yet in no other religion does the God freely turn Himself into man, endure the most painful of human suffering and come out victorious. God did this to save us from sin, to bring us back to Him and to bring us to salvation. 
He came down and humbled himself in order to open the doorway to victory and take part in what He always desired for us. 
By diving into the suffering of humanity and dying on the cross, He shows us that suffering is a part of our Glory.
"

On Healing

To the anonymous commenter who provided me with new insight, a beautiful bible verse and the feeling of being cared for, thank you. If you are still reading, I hope you appreciate this update. 

I woke up at 6 in the morning today, so that I could leave my house by 7:30 and be able to attend the morning service at St. Matthew's. It has been quite some time since I last attended morning mass. I assume it's the darkness and fog that hover over my window in the morning that has kept me wrapped in my sheets and glued on to my bed. But praise God for my CP Matthew and for the projects that have yet to be finished! You have served as my motivation to get up this morning. I have been struck with a bolt of light and I do hope that this approach is here to stay. 

Anonymous, you are right. I have left myself far from a position to be found. I have unsuccessfully attempted to fill the deficiency in security, security that I so-desperately long for, by hiding. But that has only left me restless time and time again. I refuse to continue to be an insulator to the light that has been patiently tapping my shoulder with its rays. I will cease to ignore the voice that has been searching for me, the lost sheep. I will conduct. I will embrace. I will radiate. 

When I stepped out of my house this morning, my surroundings immediately caught my attention. The sky was clear, the moon was still out and boldly shining and everything, from the streets, the rooftops and the grass, was covered in a thin layer of frost. It felt foreign to me. Foreign and exciting, and left a smirk on my face. As I continued to walk to the bus stop, it was impossible to miss the breathtaking contrast between hues of orange and red that emerged from behind Mt. Baker on Fraser Highway. All I could think about was that God is present and He is working. His works were so evident through my surroundings this morning. 

Each reading was able to speak to me. 

The first reading that spoke of a mother, who was "Most admirable and worth of everlasting remembrance [as she] saw her seven sons perish in a single day, yet bore it courageously because of her hope in the Lord. Filled with a noble spirit that stirred her womanly heart with manly courage…" reminded me of a talk I had heard last week on the significance of suffering. 

And the Gospel, that spoke about fear that binds and inhibits one from fulfilling their purpose. 

For the different outlooks that have touched on every aspect of my life that I currently struggle with, thank You. 

NTS:

"Nothing happens by chance or coincidence. Nothing without My permission. I attend to all the details in your life, everything that affects you, from the smallest and most insignificant things to the biggest things, I will mould you according to what is best for your growth and bring you closer to Me. At times, you will need to experience failures and downfalls. It is during these moments when you will feel all My fatherly concern, My strong and powerful hand lifting you up, carrying you every step of the way, most especially during your darkest hours when you will feel much pain and desolation. But do not be afraid. I am looking after you always. Nothing happens without My permission, nothing without a purpose. I only allow whatever will bring good for you in the end. Remember I love you, I care for you, I will never forsake you." 

Dear Jesus, help me to spread Your fragrance everywhere I go. Flood my soul with Your spirit and life. Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly that all my life may only be a radiance of Yours. Shine through me and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with may feel Your presence in my soul. Let them look up and see no longer me but only Jesus! Stay with me and then I shall begin to shine as You shine, so to shine as to be a light to others; the light, O Jesus, will be all from You; none of it will be mine: it will be You shining on others through me. Let me thus praise You in the way You love best: by shining on those around me. Let me preach You without preaching, not by words, but by my example, by the catching force, the sympathetic influence of what I do, the evident fullness of the love my heart bears to You.

12:04

Initially, I planned to write a fairly spiteful diary entry, but I think I'll split this up into two posts because my perspective has definitely diverged.

After being offered and accepting tickets to what was promised to be the happiest place on Earth with a person of utmost significance to me, I felt like the luckiest being.
Prior to being offered that ticket, I was already fairly content with where I was. But if something so exciting and so beautiful is handed to you like that, could anyone refuse such a gift? Naiveness and curiosity took over.
The first months of the journey were brimming with promise. I can't even recall a time that could ever measure up to the degree of my happiness - the degree of my love for life and everything that was a part of it. I felt it inside of me. I blossomed. And I strived to grace those in my presence with my fragrance, with beauty and with light.
But during that journey, during that risk, the ship that held everything I had hoped for hit an iceberg. And despite every last bit of my energy that went towards saving it, despite my piercing screams for help, despite practically sacrificing everything that I am, I was incapable of reviving the ship. I was incapable of doing it alone.
And so everything that I had hoped for was lost.
But I still stand.
Only, I stand alone on a small island, having lost my best friend and having lost my own identity.
And for some reason, I feel as though standing here on this deserted chunk of land, with only memories of what once were, is so much worse than having drowned in the ocean.

3:50

Winter has arrived early and covered my heart in a blanket of snow. It is cold. It is frozen. And it will undergo a long, long state of hibernation so that it can get the rest it needs.

My dearest heart, I am so sorry. I'm sorry for pushing you beyond what you are capable of. I'm sorry for being lenient, for being forgiving, for striving to love in a way that only God can love. I know how tired you are. I know how battered and bruised you are. And how many times you've been stepped on and kicked in the corner to collect dust. 

Stay there for as long as you need to. Although it may take some time, maybe it's safer to heal your wounds on your own. It's too dangerous to wait around for someone to hold you in their arms and warm you up. Don't wait any longer. There's no use. You can't rely on anyone. And I don't blame you for closing yourself up. 

Your cave is buried too deep in the forest and too deep in the snow for anyone to find you now. 

Come back when you're ready. If you ever will be.

Until then, Camille. 

1:19

I will forever hold Grace's prayer in Bruce Almighty close to my heart.
With that, good night.
I'm tired.

5:49

I actually can't find anything to look forward to anymore. I think that is so so scary.

9:37

Well, it's as I suspected from the start.
The apathetic approach evidently wasn't the best way to take anything really.
Instead of expanding the room in my heart to love, it merely expanded my tolerance level.
But is tolerance really love?
No. Plus there will always be a limit. A limit that I'm very close to approaching.
Instead of growing in love, I have continued to grow in resentment.
I have never in my life felt such hatred for myself.
I have wandered away from where I strived to be, in order to make myself feel better.
I have am not loving, nor gentle, nor kind, nor patient, nor forgiving. And the farthest thing away from selfless.
All I wanted was to find myself. To find my true calling. To find the place in me where the limit to my love does not exist.
By walking away from the things that I fear, the things that hurt me, but the things that I dearly care about, I have walked away from myself.
But I was tired.
I was tired of consuming thoughts, I was tired of waves of misery. All I wanted was rest from a seemingly endless war with myself.
And so as I was struck with things that would normally leave scars on me, I told myself that I didn't care. And I distracted myself. Over and over again, I would distract myself from the pain by doing the things that make me happy.
I would take the time out of my days to take myself out on dates. To buy myself a coffee and take photos and design websites and take on new projects. But I can't do that all the time.
And that's where I'm at right now.
I've chosen to neglect my schooling (obviously not in my mind because my due dates continue to linger in there like a spinning crib mobile), but I've put the things that bring me joy above my duties because I needed to make myself feel better. And it only ever backfires on me.
As I struggle to make my way through this upcoming week, with three papers and a midterm that I've made no progress on, I pray for guidance. For motivation. For peace.
I need answers. I'm so sick of wallowing in my own self-pity.
"To walk through a cave" used to be a point in my bucket list. I'm not sure if I want to anymore.
I've been in a cave for too long. And I want out.
Lord, I need you.

7:03

For the sake of my already-jeopardized health, I'm going to need to start taking an apathetic approach towards everything I care about for the next little while. At least until my mind learns to straighten out its priorities and learns to rest. So if I'm ever acting irrational, ya know why.

5:07

Well, it is currently 4:46AM and officially the latest I have ever been up for the duration of this school year.
I'd just like to take this time to talk to myself and eventually come to a head with one of the few lighter-hearted posts I'll probably ever write in this blog.
Often times, I really just feel the need to reconnect with myself. I mean I'm stuck with myself every second of every day, so why not make an effort to understand myself a little bit more... Right?
If you're reading this right now, please don't bother! I can tell you right now that I plan to jump around and touch base with every aspect of my life. I'm really just using this as a means of clearing my mind. My space for navigating.

My first little glimpse of university was a struggle. I don't think I could put it any other way.
I have never bombed so many essays, tests and exams in such a short span of time.
But it was nothing short of a great learning experience. And a huge reality check - Quite the slap in the face at that.
This is a period of countless "firsts" in my life. And I'm still learning.
I'm still learning and adapting to this inescapable change that continues to unfold in my life.
This change that I was so enthusiastic about back in grade 12 when I was the little girl who was so desperately "in love with life, with change, with growth, with challenge"... Or so as I wrote in my university applications and scholarship essays.
Wow. I had quite the fire inside of me back then.
And although that fire has reduced immensely, I know that sparks remain. Potential remains. And this acknowledgment is only the start of my rekindling process.

In closely examining the days where I've made a lot of progress, I have come to discover that the actual amount of work I have to do comes no where close to my perception of the amount of work I have to do. If I spent more time actually focussing on my work, rather than spending my time fearing my workload, I would have a sufficient amount of free time.
Come on Camille, this is motivation. You are at the best place you could possibly be right now. The world is full of endless opportunities. You are free to learn, to understand, to experience nature, to create memories with friends and family, to capture them through photos, to write, paint, to skate, to sing. The list goes on.

And in writing this, in thinking this, it just proves that I still am the same girl who wrote all of those essays. Amidst all of the garbage I've piled up on myself, all of the distractions I have created that obstruct my view, I'll dig and I'll find you again, Camille.

It's kind of funny. For once in my life, I'm actually indulging in memories of my past.
In stumbling upon my old written pieces today, I have noticed such a profound change in me.
I mean of course, there is a lot of wisdom I have acquired throughout these past months that have helped me grow - experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything.
But there is also a lot of good that I have lost. Aside from my pure love of life, the next greatest loss would have to be: Appreciation.
Today, I read posts written by such a happy child.
A child who saw a great beauty in the slightest bits of effort.
I don't know where it went.
I found that as I lost that ability to treasure the little things, I lost much of my ability to love.
I became cold, demanding and expecting of more than anyone could provide.
I really just miss my old self. I want her back.

A movie I recently watched validated that for me too.
Before I doze off, I'd just like to say that Celeste and Jesse Forever is simply one of those movies that hit me at the right time.
The soundtrack and the fact that Rashida Jones is officially my newest girl crush are merely added bonuses.
Thank you for a good watch and for plenty to think about.

I think that's all.
I really was hoping to stay up and watch the sunrise since I have the opportunity to see it on the roof, but I think sleep is more important right now.

Tomorrow I will penny board to the corner store, buy flowers for my beautiful mama's as it is her birthday, create a pretty little card for her and spend the rest of my day studying.

Good night world.
Enjoy this picture set taken by my iPhone 4.
:)

6:11

The Nurturer

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.