12:29

"I was never aware of all of the flaws that I possessed because they were so deeply submerged in me.
And each time I swam past them, I was too afraid to come near them to reveal them.
So I buried them even deeper into the sand, by running away, by working only on things which I would never fail.
But it seems they have surfaced. 
And I can't run away anymore. I don't want to."

I'll start this entry off with a passage from a previous post because it is so fitting.
To reveal. To brush off the sand. 
To surrender. To forgo without running away, for once in my life. 
To face who I am. To discover.

I've dealt with recurring issues throughout my entire life. - Or at least, for the duration that I've been writing in this blog.
Issues that I have fought, issues that I have conquered.
But it seems that in my days of glory, I often forget the insights and strategies I have learned throughout those battles.
And they return. Only this time, with allies. They return with greater intensity, stronger than ever before.
And it's only recently that I have taken notice of their familiarity and become conscious of their oh so destructive grasp on me.
But this time, I'll let them come. And I'll let them go. And I'll continue to live!
They are not me, but merely things that happen to me. 

In this past week, I've done a lot of getting to know myself. And as strange as it is to say this, I really do miss my own company. My own, peaceful company. Sans worries, sans tears. 
Geez, it's crazy to think that I've lived with myself for 17 years and there's still so much that I don't know. But that only makes me more excited for this gift that I've been given. This adventure called: Life. 

Here's to the new things that I have learned about myself. Things that I may have already known, things that I've forgotten, and things that I now hope to cement in me. 

1. I am incredibly fearful of large bodies of water.
My fear of water sparked in the fourth grade through mandatory swimming lessons. Being the shortest and only person who was unable to touch the pool floor at 3.5', made it even harder for me to trust and to let go. I ran away from it. 

And it came back each year to haunt me as I missed out on class field trips and possibly every once-in-a-lifetime experience that involved water.
This time, it returned through me.
I was that body of water I feared so much. I was an unstable power that had ups and downs. I was a wave.  

At times, I would swallow myself whole and drown myself in self-pity and in salt water. 
In acknowledging my tendency to rise and fall, I tried to stop myself from falling.
I put my efforts towards suppressing my feelings and pushed all of my negativity away so that I could fit society's grave misconception that we must be happy all the time.
By suppressing my feelings, I was stopping the natural. (Which I obviously can't do)
And so in buying into the illusion that I was pushing away my negativity, I failed to see what I was actually doing.
I was trapping every negative thought into a bottle and filling it up until it exploded.
I was stirring up the tsunami in me. And I crashed. I fell with utmost impact. 

Yes, I am still that wave. And throughout this life, I will continue to experience rises and falls. 
But it's not unnatural not to be happy sometimes. 
I have learned not to fear. Not to worry. And to just "be". 
Hopefully, with this mindset I can feel free in the water. I can feel peace in the water. I can embrace the cleansing it brings. I can enjoy the ride.

2. I am most definitely a "future-person".
Some people live in the past. They dwell on their mistakes and drown in their regrets. 
Throughout the past year, I've been striving to become a person who lives in the present. Someone who I guess, is "happy-go-lucky". Someone who can take things as they come and enjoy everything that surrounds them for that time being. 
Unfortunately, I've spent the majority of my life being a future-person.
My deep-rooted need for perfection and desire to control the direction that my life goes has become the cause of this deadly way of viewing the world that I've adapted.
I wake up, not wanting to leave the comforts of my bed. A place where I'm safe and can't be put in a situation that I don't know how to deal with. 
I walk through each day in fear.
I spend my time visualizing the worse-case scenario weeks before they happen, so that I can prepare myself for the worst.
The inner girl-scout in me believed this was the way to live. To plan for success. To plan for ultimate perfection. To plan for everything I want for my life.
I've said the Lord's prayer every day of my life, and witnessed the M7FH Our Father skit countless times, yet each time I've said "Your will be done", I can honestly say that I've never truly meant it. 
And I never even noticed.
I became controlling. 
Being a future person not only took a toll on the way I viewed school, (which was already bad enough) but also on my relationships. 
In wanting to control my future, my trust in everyone shattered. 
And I had never felt so confused, so lost and so alone. 
I was a heavy cloud of sadness and I chose to face it alone. 
For the past few years, I've worked to build and grow my friendship ties. And in my lack of trust, I didn't turn to the people who would do anything for me, as I would for them. I was afraid of their rejection, afraid of being too much for them, afraid of burdening them with my problems. I wanted to control the outcome of things, so I decided it would be better to do it alone.  
I lost trust in my relationship. And out of fear that I would get hurt, I hurt even more. I created a problem that was never there by putting up barriers against love to protect myself. I hid and locked up what he needed most from me. My trust.  
And most importantly, I lost trust in my Lord. 
In my worries, I was implying that God was not big enough, loving enough or powerful enough to take care of me. I forgot how to pray. And each time that I tried, I would ask him of something that I thought would benefit me, rather than asking him to guide me into heading the way He has planned for me.
Lord, I'll say it this time and truly mean it from now on.
Let Your will be done.

I have already begun this change in me. A change for the better.
I will live.
I will love.
I will trust.
Freely.

3. A goal that I've set for myself has led me to the opposite direction of where I want to be. 
A great deal of my previous posts focussed on Strength. 
I actually can't even recall a post that doesn't speak of "being weak and wanting to become strong". 
I never realized that in wanting to strengthen myself, I was being completely and utterly prideful. 
I actually believed that my own strength was sufficient enough to endure my hardships and live happily on my own. 
Hah.
I guess in hitting rock bottom, I had no other choice but to look up. I had no other choice but to run back into the arms of my Lord and to seek refuge in Him. 

Dearest Camille. It's okay to give up. It's okay to surrender.
In your emptiness, let yourself draw closer to Him.
He will fill where you lack. He will provide. He will give you the strength to take up your cross.
"Our Divine Lord asks no sacrifice beyond our strength."

In my entire life, I have never turned to Him as often as I have in the past week.
In recognizing His presence, I have felt such strength and such peace.

4. I am in the midst of a great journey as I learn to love myself, others and You. 
I am so grateful for this suffering.
It has been my catalyst in self-growth.
In pushing me through this door, I have rooted out new priorities and focusses in my life.
  
In my suffering, the degree of God’s sacrifice has become clearer.
To give himself, to carry his cross and to forgive not only those who love Him, but those who hated Him, out of love. 
I will strive to love selflessly. 
And even if I'm still incapable of finding a situation that a psychological egoist couldn't argue against in Philosophy, I'll prove the argument wrong by example. 

I'm on a mission.

12:24

The latest I've been up in a while. Weird eh?
Sleep has taken over my life.
Here's what I did when I wasn't sleeping.

7:04

My ability to love has never been so tested.
But dear heart,
through every stretch and every time the muscle fibres tear,
a muscle gets bigger and stronger.

8:18

It's 7:26 PM and I sit here waiting for my desktop to open up (an approximate half hour wait), so that I can print out seven different documents.

I just got back from my first day of university and I don't really know what to say about it.
Overall, the day was not bad at all. I entered the day with a little bit of the jitters but just as all days go, the day was over before I was even given the chance to think about it again. I was awake and alert throughout my lectures and that's all I could really ask for. On the social side of things, I was able to meet more new friends than I had ever expected and was even able to rekindle a few of my elementary school friendships.

But beyond all of that, I sit here and I still can't help but think that I'll never be enough.
Why is it that I constantly feel like my throat is being clasped together?
I stare at the exact same schedule that I once thought would be a breeze, that I was once excited about and find myself feeling such intimidation.
Why can't I ever get past my habit of overwhelming myself?
I look up at the mountain that stands in front of me, at the challenge that awaits me and all I want to do is roll up into a ball and cry.
And I know that I can do it too.
I know that the mountain can be conquered if I would only start. If I would only take it one trail at a time.
But I feel so weak.
Already.
I always do.

Your words have scarred my mind.
You're right. I am a quitter. And I never even realized it.
Every time I was faced with a challenge (piano, dance, etc.),  I never persevered.
I cried, I pitied myself and I found ways to crawl out of the situation.
What a baby. It's no wonder I'm so weak.
I was never aware of all of the flaws that I possessed because they were so deeply submerged in me.
And each time I swam past them, I was too afraid to come near them, to reveal them.
So I buried them even deeper into the sand, by running away, by working only on things which I would never fail.
But it seems they have surfaced.
And I can't run away anymore. I don't want to.

I want to be positive, uplifting, inspiring and happy.
I don't know where to start, but I'll keep working on it.
I'm still trying.
And I know I can do it.
I want to be the best me that I can be for my family, my friends, for you and for You.
It's 8:18 PM, my work is printed and it's time to start.
One step at a time.

2:38

As promised, I'm back. Though I highly doubted that I would actually be back to write this post tonight. To be honest, I've been traveling with a slightly heavier heart than usual. And it is exactly for that reason that I have halted myself from writing this post. I felt (and sort of still feel) that writing in this particular state would hold me back from completely expressing the genuine beauty and bliss that I witnessed and felt - That genuine beauty and bliss that I wanted to record and remember. Yet, I also feel that reflecting on conference weekend may be the only thing that can save me from drowning in my own misery. So let's give this a shot, shall we?  

Similar to RYC, I walked into conference unsure of what to expect. Therefore, I kind of just found myself blocking the entire idea out of my head until the day finally came. I'm finding that this is a developing habit of mine. (Simply blocking out ideas because I'm often too exhausted to think, that is). All I knew is that I was excited to finally be able to go on a trip on my own and... That I was afraid. 

"When the day finally came, I was struck with a number of emotions. I felt as if I had just stepped into a room of darkness, not knowing what to expect had I taken another step. I really did not know what I was doing–but it was through coming in with nothing that I was able to realize how much I have walked out with from this experience."

His Message to Me

Firstly, I would like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed each session and workshop that TNC2013 had to offer. It seemed as though each of them were meant for me as they were all able to target recurring struggles of mine in their own way. Some key notes that I have absorbed and would like to remember:

1. THEOLOGY OF THE BODY Workshop - The body and soul are one and we are made in God's image and likeness. / The body is not meant to be seen as "bad". It is sacred. We have destroyed the image of the body. / God wants us to "make love". "Making love" = The giving of self as Jesus did. It is forgetting yourself and thinking of the other person. Learn how to love selflessly, Camille. It does not always have to be reciprocal at all. Love because you love, not for anything in return. ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.  
2. TIME MANAGEMENT Workshop - Before doing anything at all, we must pray. We must surrender everything, including our time to God. / Always leave time to rest, BUT do not rest for too long. / You do not need to do everything at once. Prioritize and put first things first. Work in order of importance. / We are not superheroes. We cannot do everything. / Live a balanced life. Desire a life with time for everything. "The past is history. The present is REALITY. The future is a mystery. Do NOT focus so much on the future, Camille. Focus on today and what you can do NOW. Take your daily bread and remember that the prayer only asks for today's bread. It doesn't complain about the stale bread we had to eat yesterday, nor does it ask for bread to eat in case of a drought next fall. It asks for today's bread only. 
3. Session 2: MORE THAN ENOUGH - Even Mother Mary knew that she would never be enough. In knowing this, she relied on God. In her emptiness and awareness of her own nothingness, she drew closer to God. She surrendered all of herself to God. Remember that whatever we lack, our Lord fills. When you are struggling Camille, remember that God is there. When you come to a victory Camille, remember that God brought you there. 
4. Place the big rocks in first. This will allow the smaller rocks to fall into place. Don't sweat the small stuff, Camille. Worry about what matters and everything will fall into place in the end.

Yeah. Through all of that and so much more, I can honestly say that I have grown immensely because of that weekend.

Becoming a Fool for God

It was also through this experience that I finally understood what it meant to do something for God and "become a fool" for Him. I found myself doing things that I never in my life thought I would do. Typically, I am one to stay in my own comfort zone. I always chose to remain in the safe area by doing things that I was accustomed to doing. (i.e. banner, singing) I didn't think that I would ever dance again and put myself in a spot that completely devoured me in the past and became a great source of insecurity. I never expected to actually enjoy it. To lift up every drop of sweat, every four hour practice, every move to Him. I ran onto that stage knowing that whatever the result was, it didn't matter. Because if I gave it all I had, I knew that You would be proud of me. And the exact same feeling returned every. time. that weekend. Learning praise parade right before, singing in the front row of the Liveloud choir without having memorized all of the songs, and playing soccer. Those were by far, the most rewarding performances of my life. And it was all for You.

Part of His Plan.

I would also like to highlight the journey to and from Calgary. Throughout both rides, I was pretty much a grumpy witch. All I wanted to do was keep to myself, plug my earphones in and sleep. I completely disregarded that this bus ride was meant for bonding with my brothers and sisters. Somewhere along the road, I was able to realize it and for that, I am so grateful. Although our bus was delayed a couple of hours as we were heading back, it gave us the opportunity to sing together, to share, to play games, to have worship on the bus... And it was so beautiful. It was truly God's plan. Along the literal road, I was also able to see the mountains, rivers, trees, waterfalls, rocks, stars in such close proximity and the first time I had ever seen shooting stars. I was in complete wonder and awe.

During our bus ride, I was able to share about how grateful I was for the presence of two of my cousins at conference. I can't even describe how moving it is for me to share this experience with them. After sharing, Sean also expressed how glad he was that Therese was able to attend conference and return to the community. For that, I am so thankful. I know how much that must have meant to her. To have Therese back and witnessing all of the things I would have wanted her to witness / To see all of the new (and already so strong) friendships that she has created / To see such growth and maturity in her /  To see her giving everything she's got on the soccer field. The passion that lies in her never ceases to amaze me. / To see her worshiping in the crowd / To see her there on stage with junior band, knowing how hard she practiced and knowing how attacked and discouraged she was in the process of trying out. I have never been so proud.  

Secondly, to see Armand there. And to make him cry for two-three hours. I know I rubbed it into his face a lot, but I couldn't get over it. Seeing how I had affected him only affirmed my past actions all over again. I felt it again. The peace that forgiveness brought me. I felt none of the pain that haunted so much of my past. None of the pain that came from the toughest situation I have ever encountered in my life. It was all gone. Praise God for that. I have witnessed a miracle.

Lastly, being able to experience conference with the people I hold so dear to my heart. It was nothing short of amazing. (Seriously, why is amazing such an overused word? I wish the word sounded as amazing as it's meant to sound.) Aside from my cousins, being able to experience conference with Paula, Ina, Kuya Mike, Nathan, David, Angelica and Jeffrey. And the rest of my chapter and PAC Region. Wow. Thank You. So, so much.  

Yeah. I was right. In writing this, I am content again. 

I'll probably add, edit and remove some things when I can focus properly. 

But Thank You. Again. A million times. 

I can sleep in peace. 

1:16

Still haven't gotten around to writing a post about TNC 2013, but I promise dear self, that I won't hold it off any longer than tomorrow. There are too many memories and little NTS' that are far too valuable not to write about and refer back to. 

To sum up post-conference week, I've pretty much been living in a euphoria of 'the little things' - which to me is days and days of walking through greenery, the redvelvet-cakebatter-mochi at Menchies, taking the road less taken into Narnia, baby rabbits, climbing giant rocks, walking through haunted movie theatres, illegally parking to take evening shoreline photos, belting out to Ed Sheeran in a van full of memories, walking down a straight road, walking into a dust cloud of cow poop, hipster paintings, eating 250 calories worth of popsicles and doing cartwheels in dresses.

Current status: not tired and tempted to take an evening stroll in this Oregon-bound hotel.
But I think I'll pass on that today and listen to a Skype call of adolescent boys and a Madeleine instead.

Life's good.
I'll be back tomorrow.

1:51

I need to ramble.
My head is running wild again.
Though I must say, I do miss the slow, silent and sometimes serene evenings that belonged to me.
I miss being able to string words together so effortlessly.
I miss coming up with metaphors that symbolize each and every one of my emotions.
I miss being able to feel / and to feel with everything inside of me / with all that I am.
I miss being able to discover more about me.

Over the past few months, my life has been gradually accelerating back to the speed that it once travelled.
The only difference is that this time, school and duties aren't in the picture.
Still, the fact that I'm continuing to run overwhelmingly fast frightens me.
Will I be able to see what's up ahead at this rate?
Will I be able to prepare?
Will I be able to enjoy what surrounds me?
The answer remains the same.
Have I not learned anything?

My whole summer has been comprised of distractions.
There's only a little less than a month to go, and though I really have not done much this summer, I still lack time to be productive. Or maybe it's not time that I lack, maybe it's motivation. I don't know.
It's always the same story with me.
I'm tired.
I'm always tired.
Just the fact that I'm stealing a few hours of sleep from myself right now, so that I can write to myself in the state of complete exhaustion is the newest thing in my life in a while.

I have no more words to say.
And yet, I have a million more.

Anticipating some impressive eyebags in my student ID photo tomorrow.
The future frightens me.
What's new?

9:56

How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

A Literal Compilation of Love

Stumbled upon my neglected blog today and decided it was time to pay a visit. 

I need more reflection time in my life.  

I've been besieged by a great deal of negativity lately and yes, sometimes it does get overwhelming.
But even while walking through the night, the path can be found and darkness can be conquered with a mere keychain flashlight.
As I approach stable and secure ground, I challenge myself to reach out as far as mes petits bras (arms, not bras) can extend and pull others out of the mud;
to illuminate the path;
to shed and share the light that I have acquired.
I want to be your keychain flashlight.

I am immensely grateful for whatever it was I faced earlier because although the possibility of me getting reeled in still remains, I am that much stronger having come out of it and that much more able to win any following rounds.
The feeling of freedom and surrender has stuck by my side as my shield and has done its duty of repelling everything that has charged at me.
+5869485769458 XP for you Camille!!!

In the hopes of keeping this up I will continue to:

• Not sweat it. My best is enough. 
• Keep balancing school and play (drawing, hiking, writing, climbing trees LOL)
• Keep doing morning and afternoon walks/jogs
• Keep up with daily rosary

BECAUSE IT WORKS.

Hooray for life lessons.

In addition to my previous post "A compilation of love", I have finally found the time (and motivation - laziness kills!) to compile every single warm fuzzy/palanca I have received since grade seven (or at least, managed to find) into this notebook.
Finding a use for another empty notebook is so gratifying!! (My pretty stationary fetish kills as well and has led me to own 10's or 20's of empty notebooks.)

Yay Grad Retreat Warm Fuzzies <3

Lastly, I just wanted to thank everyone for providing some of the most amazing memories and contributing to the diary that I keep track of through Facebook photos. (I am too lazy to post and blog about everything)

A Compilation of Love

“Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.”

—	Meister Eckhart

I've reached levelled ground, after tumbling down what seemed to be the largest hill.
The state of serenity that I now sit alongside is immensely gratifying and is a state of peace-with-myself that I have been deprived of for a long, LONG time.
I am PRESENTLY sitting on a field and able to appreciate each little vibration in the grass that this breeze brings about.
I feel it.

I can finally sing again - 

Sing, without Coldplay or Mariana’s Trench repetitively stabbing my chest.

Sing, with a happy heart.

The endless supply of effort, love and support, that I have received these past few days has been so overwhelming and I feel incredibly undeserving of it.

Now, for all I know, this hill may lead me upwards or downwards even more, but I am not bothered.

We all receive our share of sufferings in life, and I've been blessed as I never really have much to complain about. 

What I'm going through now is only preparing me and strengthening me for greater challenges that await me. - Challenges that I will take on, in order to do His will.

I am a warrior.

Lastly, I just wanted to say that I am SO thankful to have someone who is so patient and forgiving towards me. To have someone who offers to help me carry my burdens, who will push me up from down under and be there for my hand at the top, to have someone who never ceases to forgive me despite all of the baggage that I've dumped on them.

Thank you.

The rest of this is for myself and my reflection purposes. 

11:53

“It was worst at night. I started inventing things, and then I couldn’t stop, like beavers, which I know about. People think they cut down trees so they can build dams, but in reality it’s because their teeth never stop growing, and if they didn’t constantly file them down by cutting through all those trees, their teeth would start to grow into their own faces, which would kill them. That’s how my brain was.”

—	Jonathan Safran Foer - Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

So the infamous John Green quote, "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations"?
Currently inapplicable.
My thoughts are not merely stars. Not even close.
My thoughts are an intricate web of constellations that are composed of so many stars, so many connecting lines, that it's become impossible to retrace over them and take myself back to the start.
The process of "connecting the dots" was not the most difficult part at all.
It's ridding of them.
It's getting rid of these constellations that have multiplied before me unknowingly, and have placed the greatest pressures and burdens on my fragile back.
These constellations, drawn so close together that all there really is in my mind is, black. - As if I've drawn so many lines that trying to erase them one at a time is a hopeless and tedious duty that I must take on in order to REST.
I JUST WANT REST.

So yeah. Here it is. My helpless, restless attempt at trying to understand myself.
Prepare yourself for the most uncoordinated post ever, as I attempt to retrace and erase even just the surface of my thoughts.

I'm so... (Finally going to say the forbidden word of the past weekend), tired.
I'm tired of trying to keep up with myself.
What once kept me composed, balanced, sane even, ended up being what killed me.
I've developed such an image for myself, that it disappoints me immensely when I don't hold up to it.
And holding up to it is truly an unimaginable pressure in itself.

"I was better than this", I'd think, EVERY SINGLE TIME I disappoint someone, I hurt someone, I don't pick up on school as easily as I once did, I was not there to help someone out, I don't have enough inspiration or motivation, I am not as involved as I was before, I'm not where I want to be... The list goes on. I want to do everything. I want to be everything. I want to be there for everyone.

Each and every weakness I possess, and my act of recognizing and picking on every one of them is ripping me apart.
"I am Camille. I love to smile. I love nature, trees, sunflowers, fish, black leather!? I love enjoying life, I love capturing, I love creating, I love living, I love God. I dedicate myself to helping others to the best of my abilities and being available to listen. I stay true to my beliefs and values. I have a loving and supporting family. I am capable of getting good grades. I have the most diverse set of loyal and genuine best friends anyone could imagine."
And I do. I love what I am and really do wish to keep being me.
But when I don't hold up to this image, I'm automatically see myself as some kind of horrible person.
I'm not.
I just have a really hard time accepting and embracing imperfection.

Last year, I was able to hold on to a 94 average, I was a member of probably every school club and I worked part-time.
Last year, I was able to hold myself together, despite my crazy schedule in which 30 minutes of free time seemed to be the greatest thing in the world.
So why is it that this year, when I finally decide to give myself a breather, I find myself more out of breath than ever before? Literally. I can't even breathe.

There hasn't been a single night these past two weeks that I didn't spend staring at the ceiling in my pitch black room.
Weak.
Hopeless.
Just allowing myself to drown in my thoughts and in my tears.
And consequently, there hasn't been a single morning that I didn't wake up to tired eyes and a bed immersed in kleenex.
And it scares me to see my eyes. It scares me to stare at my reflection, and to see an image of sickness.
It scares me to peer at the clock and to count the hours I didn't spend sleeping.
But that's yet another thought to add into the extensive spinning mobile of thoughts that I stare up at in my mind every second of the day.

My thoughts are consuming me.
Even staying in the present is an unbearable task for me.
And how am I able to be PRESENT for people if I'm not even IN THE PRESENT.
Whenever I'm in school, watching TV, out on a jog, flying a kite, eating out with my family...
My mind is elsewhere.

My mind, so focussed on what's to come and so consumed in worries, never rests.
I'm tired of spending three hours on a worksheet that I could have finished in 10 minutes because I keep straying elsewhere.
I'm tired of knowing everything before a test, and completely blanking out in the midst of it.
I'm tired of my thoughts and how space they take up in my brain, leaving no room for things that actually matter.
I'm tired of missing school and having to catch up.
I'm tired of having to explain myself.
I'm tired of depending on people to keep me distracted.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of not being able to fully enjoy the weekend that I anticipated all year.
I'm tired of seeing my mom cry over my condition.
I'm tired of burdening my dad and compelling him to leave work so that he can check up on me.
I'm tired of giving every little thing the power to piss me off because my mind is constantly under pressure.
I'm tired of feeling like having to vomit because I have so much negativity that I desperately need to expel, raging inside of me.

I don't want to catch up with myself anymore.
I need to learn how to slow my pace down.
I'm tired. I'm so, so tired.

I hate how my writing isn't even capable of setting me free.
It does so little to convey the depth of my situation.
Disappointing.
Expected.

I'm sorry for showing weakness.
I'm not "supposed to be" like this.

12:22

I'm wasting my time, my energy and myself trying to heave this boat.

I pull and pull and pull, and I finally think I'm getting somewhere,

but with one slight breeze from you, I'm thrown in the opposite direction.
I lose myself.

I lose any sense of navigation I once had and I'm forced to drop the anchors. 

How I wish these anchors were heavy enough to just sink this boat,

So that I'm not forced to motionlessly float here, white flag raised, in desperation.

I feel the world laughing at me and my foolishness.

I'm so pathetic and 

I feel so ashamed. 

I feel so ashamed for trying aimlessly for something that I knew wouldn't work from the start. 

I feel so ashamed because well, I'm a sister and all I ever hear are voices shouting at me for even being in this position. I'm supposed to be guarded. I'm supposed to be fought for. But instead, I'm running, bolting into the battlefield knowing my doom awaits me. What a fool. 

I don't even know how many times I've reread my previous post and tried to pull through with it. 

And it's not that I don't believe it either, because I do.
I believe it with everything I've got. Heck, I even catch myself nodding to my own words.

But like so many things in this world, it's easier said than done. 

I'm so tired. 

The weight that my heart constantly drags around is overwhelming.

It drains me out and prevents me from doing anything worth doing.

It prevents me from being myself.
And I miss myself. So much.

I'm so tired of being nothing but empty space to you.

I'm so tired of being empty.

I'm so tired of being strong - when I appear to be so strong and stable that I'm unworthy of being saved by you.

I'm so tired of being weak.

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm in a constant competition.
And no matter how well I do when I compete, knowing that the highest I'll ever place is second.
Second to no one.
Because even if I win this time around, I'll never be able to beat the record set years ago.

I'm so tired.

Yet all I can do is stay in place,

because I'm familiar with this.
I've seen this scenario too many times before.

And whenever I try to run away, I crash.

I crash into barricades of rubber and bounce right back to where I was.

I have no more energy. 

So here I am, motionlessly floating here, white flag raised, in desperation.
Save me.

Pridelands

Today, I had a sudden realization that school isn't a sufficient enough distraction from my mind anymore. If anything, it only seems to add pressure to it. Every little thing constantly encircles it. And really, how much more pressure do I need when half the time I'm awake, I can literally feel my head throbbing. I don't even know how I am still standing and functioning the way I am. I need more days where I can bask in the sun and explore and just forget everything. The spirit of adventure seems to be the only thing that keeps me going. It's the only thing that assures that a drop of creativity remains in me, without discouraging me or putting any effort. I need more sunny days. I need more freedom. Please.

English 11 Slam Poem

Empty in Existence

Empty.

And so here, I go again.

Blank stares at the grid smothered in colour,

Red for meetings, green for outings, blue for work, and black for other

My calendar? Full.

But my appetite for life yearns for a different course.

And so, here I am.

Putting more on my plate,

Working to slake

My hunger for more.

This will keep me occupied,

But still, not satisfied.

And so I catch myself constantly,

On a quest for fresh avenues to venture into;

Searching for new passions to take up.

Something, to fill me up - for the moment,

but not to fulfill

because in a minute, my craving sneaks up on me again.

Empty.

And so I question, is this really all that life has to offer?

Held captive for 15,600 hours in a desk,

In the midst of stress,

Only to be employed in a field,

High in salary, yet low in happiness.

And why? I ask, why?

Because “Success brings about happiness!” they’d contend.

Or at least they’d make it out to seem like it.

But the sole glitch is that the cycle of success knows no end.

We finally attain a level, and then what?

We aim higher. Our natural desire.

It’s like climbing up a never-ending rope

Until we one day choose… to just let go.

Come on people!

When will we learn to stop mimicking the past in terror

That the future won’t go smooth sailing.

and learn to paint our own canvases.

Maybe then we’ll stop tripping into the crevasses of

Society’s timeless error.

Because if they were leading the right path

Why is it that billionaires are taking their own lives

While Africa is dancing; grateful to merely be alive.

We’ve got it backwards.

Empty

Only left to wonder what wonders I could do

If I broke out of these walls and lived.

Because the purpose of life is not to simply exist

BUT to live.

Yet, I’m still here

Empty.

Choosing to live every day like the one before,

Because I can’t coerce myself

To practice what I’m preaching.

Here, I remain.

Burning myself out, till I’ve no will to go on.

Each day, I spend doing my best,

still searching for success.

Hopeful that one day, I too, will be simply, satisfied.

Lessons learned, but not applied.

And it’s that, just that, which disappoints me most.

Post-Trip Syndrome

Hi everyone!
I don't know if I'm jet-lagged or if my sleeping pattern is just really this messed up, but it's almost 7am and I'm still awake.
Since my seven hour upload to youtube worked, I guess I'll take the time to talk a little bit about my trip to the Philippines that took place these past 30 days.

First and foremost, here's an excerpt from my journal - that I had originally planned to write in, but it didn't exactly work out. (Go figure)

This feeling is unreal. To think that I could be in one place place one day, surrounded by familiar every day sights, and after a 12 hour trip through this portal, comes a new adventure just waiting to happen. I could honestly just sleep this whole flight as I'm an impeccable sleeper. The only reason I'm up at five in the morning is because I choose to enjoy my own company in peaceful silence. It's no wonder I was awake while this plane was asleep, and snoring away while this plane was awake. So far, this plane ride has been quite enjoyable. I feel like Anne Hathaway on Princess Diaries as I write this. I also enjoyed the experience of flying first class, and gazing at the ice cream looking clouds like in A Whole New World. In an hour or so, I'll be out of here, back into the portal and into another world. All that's left is to wait.

I apologize for my complete lack of dedication to any form of journal. Sigh. Instead, I'll attempt to summarize the rest of my trip.

To my surprise, the heat in the Philippines was quite bearable. In fact, the Summer's in Canada might even be up to par with it. I guess I'm only saying this because I was in front of a fan or in an airconditioned vehicle/building most of the time. I will truly miss late nights with my Tita's out and about in the heart of the main city. Nothing feels as blissful as evening cruises down the highway, and staring up at an ebony sky with visible stars. The stars in Vancouver are always hiding!! I swear we went out literally every night to get Serenitea (A sort of bubble tea shop) or stroll around Ruins (Somewhat like the Richmond Night Market). Speaking of driving, the traffic and the driving in general was crazy! Four lanes would develop in a two lane street. The streets were narrow as heck. If I knew how to drive, I would probably get a heart attack just by watching. Also, seat belts aren't necessary and having 20 people in a van meant for eight is perfectly normal there. Talk about lack of discipline. I was also darker than everyone there. Curse my easily tanned skin. Contrary to popular opinion here in Canada, I would rather be lighter skinned. Then again, I guess it's because typical humans get tired of what they're given and like change. Every single commercial and product in the Philippines was for skin whitening or for growth by the way. (I'm the complete opposite of what the ideal is there :( )

Aside from my thoughts about the Philippines culture (summarized in one word, I'd say "Free"), I was also able to get a taste of... I guess I'd call them "Once in a lifetime experiences". I felt like a total daredevil, pouncing at every opportunity there was to do something that I'd never done before. I only wish there was more time to do more.

Hope you enjoy this video that, I guess, exhibits a lot of what I did there. There's also a short clip of some of the flooding that I saw while I was there. Watch it in 1080p or else my waiting seven hours for a video upload would have been a waste!!

 

Good Morning everyone!