A Compilation of Love

“Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.”

—	Meister Eckhart

I've reached levelled ground, after tumbling down what seemed to be the largest hill.
The state of serenity that I now sit alongside is immensely gratifying and is a state of peace-with-myself that I have been deprived of for a long, LONG time.
I am PRESENTLY sitting on a field and able to appreciate each little vibration in the grass that this breeze brings about.
I feel it.

I can finally sing again - 

Sing, without Coldplay or Mariana’s Trench repetitively stabbing my chest.

Sing, with a happy heart.

The endless supply of effort, love and support, that I have received these past few days has been so overwhelming and I feel incredibly undeserving of it.

Now, for all I know, this hill may lead me upwards or downwards even more, but I am not bothered.

We all receive our share of sufferings in life, and I've been blessed as I never really have much to complain about. 

What I'm going through now is only preparing me and strengthening me for greater challenges that await me. - Challenges that I will take on, in order to do His will.

I am a warrior.

Lastly, I just wanted to say that I am SO thankful to have someone who is so patient and forgiving towards me. To have someone who offers to help me carry my burdens, who will push me up from down under and be there for my hand at the top, to have someone who never ceases to forgive me despite all of the baggage that I've dumped on them.

Thank you.

The rest of this is for myself and my reflection purposes. 

11:53

“It was worst at night. I started inventing things, and then I couldn’t stop, like beavers, which I know about. People think they cut down trees so they can build dams, but in reality it’s because their teeth never stop growing, and if they didn’t constantly file them down by cutting through all those trees, their teeth would start to grow into their own faces, which would kill them. That’s how my brain was.”

—	Jonathan Safran Foer - Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

So the infamous John Green quote, "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations"?
Currently inapplicable.
My thoughts are not merely stars. Not even close.
My thoughts are an intricate web of constellations that are composed of so many stars, so many connecting lines, that it's become impossible to retrace over them and take myself back to the start.
The process of "connecting the dots" was not the most difficult part at all.
It's ridding of them.
It's getting rid of these constellations that have multiplied before me unknowingly, and have placed the greatest pressures and burdens on my fragile back.
These constellations, drawn so close together that all there really is in my mind is, black. - As if I've drawn so many lines that trying to erase them one at a time is a hopeless and tedious duty that I must take on in order to REST.
I JUST WANT REST.

So yeah. Here it is. My helpless, restless attempt at trying to understand myself.
Prepare yourself for the most uncoordinated post ever, as I attempt to retrace and erase even just the surface of my thoughts.

I'm so... (Finally going to say the forbidden word of the past weekend), tired.
I'm tired of trying to keep up with myself.
What once kept me composed, balanced, sane even, ended up being what killed me.
I've developed such an image for myself, that it disappoints me immensely when I don't hold up to it.
And holding up to it is truly an unimaginable pressure in itself.

"I was better than this", I'd think, EVERY SINGLE TIME I disappoint someone, I hurt someone, I don't pick up on school as easily as I once did, I was not there to help someone out, I don't have enough inspiration or motivation, I am not as involved as I was before, I'm not where I want to be... The list goes on. I want to do everything. I want to be everything. I want to be there for everyone.

Each and every weakness I possess, and my act of recognizing and picking on every one of them is ripping me apart.
"I am Camille. I love to smile. I love nature, trees, sunflowers, fish, black leather!? I love enjoying life, I love capturing, I love creating, I love living, I love God. I dedicate myself to helping others to the best of my abilities and being available to listen. I stay true to my beliefs and values. I have a loving and supporting family. I am capable of getting good grades. I have the most diverse set of loyal and genuine best friends anyone could imagine."
And I do. I love what I am and really do wish to keep being me.
But when I don't hold up to this image, I'm automatically see myself as some kind of horrible person.
I'm not.
I just have a really hard time accepting and embracing imperfection.

Last year, I was able to hold on to a 94 average, I was a member of probably every school club and I worked part-time.
Last year, I was able to hold myself together, despite my crazy schedule in which 30 minutes of free time seemed to be the greatest thing in the world.
So why is it that this year, when I finally decide to give myself a breather, I find myself more out of breath than ever before? Literally. I can't even breathe.

There hasn't been a single night these past two weeks that I didn't spend staring at the ceiling in my pitch black room.
Weak.
Hopeless.
Just allowing myself to drown in my thoughts and in my tears.
And consequently, there hasn't been a single morning that I didn't wake up to tired eyes and a bed immersed in kleenex.
And it scares me to see my eyes. It scares me to stare at my reflection, and to see an image of sickness.
It scares me to peer at the clock and to count the hours I didn't spend sleeping.
But that's yet another thought to add into the extensive spinning mobile of thoughts that I stare up at in my mind every second of the day.

My thoughts are consuming me.
Even staying in the present is an unbearable task for me.
And how am I able to be PRESENT for people if I'm not even IN THE PRESENT.
Whenever I'm in school, watching TV, out on a jog, flying a kite, eating out with my family...
My mind is elsewhere.

My mind, so focussed on what's to come and so consumed in worries, never rests.
I'm tired of spending three hours on a worksheet that I could have finished in 10 minutes because I keep straying elsewhere.
I'm tired of knowing everything before a test, and completely blanking out in the midst of it.
I'm tired of my thoughts and how space they take up in my brain, leaving no room for things that actually matter.
I'm tired of missing school and having to catch up.
I'm tired of having to explain myself.
I'm tired of depending on people to keep me distracted.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of not being able to fully enjoy the weekend that I anticipated all year.
I'm tired of seeing my mom cry over my condition.
I'm tired of burdening my dad and compelling him to leave work so that he can check up on me.
I'm tired of giving every little thing the power to piss me off because my mind is constantly under pressure.
I'm tired of feeling like having to vomit because I have so much negativity that I desperately need to expel, raging inside of me.

I don't want to catch up with myself anymore.
I need to learn how to slow my pace down.
I'm tired. I'm so, so tired.

I hate how my writing isn't even capable of setting me free.
It does so little to convey the depth of my situation.
Disappointing.
Expected.

I'm sorry for showing weakness.
I'm not "supposed to be" like this.

12:22

I'm wasting my time, my energy and myself trying to heave this boat.

I pull and pull and pull, and I finally think I'm getting somewhere,

but with one slight breeze from you, I'm thrown in the opposite direction.
I lose myself.

I lose any sense of navigation I once had and I'm forced to drop the anchors. 

How I wish these anchors were heavy enough to just sink this boat,

So that I'm not forced to motionlessly float here, white flag raised, in desperation.

I feel the world laughing at me and my foolishness.

I'm so pathetic and 

I feel so ashamed. 

I feel so ashamed for trying aimlessly for something that I knew wouldn't work from the start. 

I feel so ashamed because well, I'm a sister and all I ever hear are voices shouting at me for even being in this position. I'm supposed to be guarded. I'm supposed to be fought for. But instead, I'm running, bolting into the battlefield knowing my doom awaits me. What a fool. 

I don't even know how many times I've reread my previous post and tried to pull through with it. 

And it's not that I don't believe it either, because I do.
I believe it with everything I've got. Heck, I even catch myself nodding to my own words.

But like so many things in this world, it's easier said than done. 

I'm so tired. 

The weight that my heart constantly drags around is overwhelming.

It drains me out and prevents me from doing anything worth doing.

It prevents me from being myself.
And I miss myself. So much.

I'm so tired of being nothing but empty space to you.

I'm so tired of being empty.

I'm so tired of being strong - when I appear to be so strong and stable that I'm unworthy of being saved by you.

I'm so tired of being weak.

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm in a constant competition.
And no matter how well I do when I compete, knowing that the highest I'll ever place is second.
Second to no one.
Because even if I win this time around, I'll never be able to beat the record set years ago.

I'm so tired.

Yet all I can do is stay in place,

because I'm familiar with this.
I've seen this scenario too many times before.

And whenever I try to run away, I crash.

I crash into barricades of rubber and bounce right back to where I was.

I have no more energy. 

So here I am, motionlessly floating here, white flag raised, in desperation.
Save me.

Pridelands

Today, I had a sudden realization that school isn't a sufficient enough distraction from my mind anymore. If anything, it only seems to add pressure to it. Every little thing constantly encircles it. And really, how much more pressure do I need when half the time I'm awake, I can literally feel my head throbbing. I don't even know how I am still standing and functioning the way I am. I need more days where I can bask in the sun and explore and just forget everything. The spirit of adventure seems to be the only thing that keeps me going. It's the only thing that assures that a drop of creativity remains in me, without discouraging me or putting any effort. I need more sunny days. I need more freedom. Please.

English 11 Slam Poem

Empty in Existence

Empty.

And so here, I go again.

Blank stares at the grid smothered in colour,

Red for meetings, green for outings, blue for work, and black for other

My calendar? Full.

But my appetite for life yearns for a different course.

And so, here I am.

Putting more on my plate,

Working to slake

My hunger for more.

This will keep me occupied,

But still, not satisfied.

And so I catch myself constantly,

On a quest for fresh avenues to venture into;

Searching for new passions to take up.

Something, to fill me up - for the moment,

but not to fulfill

because in a minute, my craving sneaks up on me again.

Empty.

And so I question, is this really all that life has to offer?

Held captive for 15,600 hours in a desk,

In the midst of stress,

Only to be employed in a field,

High in salary, yet low in happiness.

And why? I ask, why?

Because “Success brings about happiness!” they’d contend.

Or at least they’d make it out to seem like it.

But the sole glitch is that the cycle of success knows no end.

We finally attain a level, and then what?

We aim higher. Our natural desire.

It’s like climbing up a never-ending rope

Until we one day choose… to just let go.

Come on people!

When will we learn to stop mimicking the past in terror

That the future won’t go smooth sailing.

and learn to paint our own canvases.

Maybe then we’ll stop tripping into the crevasses of

Society’s timeless error.

Because if they were leading the right path

Why is it that billionaires are taking their own lives

While Africa is dancing; grateful to merely be alive.

We’ve got it backwards.

Empty

Only left to wonder what wonders I could do

If I broke out of these walls and lived.

Because the purpose of life is not to simply exist

BUT to live.

Yet, I’m still here

Empty.

Choosing to live every day like the one before,

Because I can’t coerce myself

To practice what I’m preaching.

Here, I remain.

Burning myself out, till I’ve no will to go on.

Each day, I spend doing my best,

still searching for success.

Hopeful that one day, I too, will be simply, satisfied.

Lessons learned, but not applied.

And it’s that, just that, which disappoints me most.

Post-Trip Syndrome

Hi everyone!
I don't know if I'm jet-lagged or if my sleeping pattern is just really this messed up, but it's almost 7am and I'm still awake.
Since my seven hour upload to youtube worked, I guess I'll take the time to talk a little bit about my trip to the Philippines that took place these past 30 days.

First and foremost, here's an excerpt from my journal - that I had originally planned to write in, but it didn't exactly work out. (Go figure)

This feeling is unreal. To think that I could be in one place place one day, surrounded by familiar every day sights, and after a 12 hour trip through this portal, comes a new adventure just waiting to happen. I could honestly just sleep this whole flight as I'm an impeccable sleeper. The only reason I'm up at five in the morning is because I choose to enjoy my own company in peaceful silence. It's no wonder I was awake while this plane was asleep, and snoring away while this plane was awake. So far, this plane ride has been quite enjoyable. I feel like Anne Hathaway on Princess Diaries as I write this. I also enjoyed the experience of flying first class, and gazing at the ice cream looking clouds like in A Whole New World. In an hour or so, I'll be out of here, back into the portal and into another world. All that's left is to wait.

I apologize for my complete lack of dedication to any form of journal. Sigh. Instead, I'll attempt to summarize the rest of my trip.

To my surprise, the heat in the Philippines was quite bearable. In fact, the Summer's in Canada might even be up to par with it. I guess I'm only saying this because I was in front of a fan or in an airconditioned vehicle/building most of the time. I will truly miss late nights with my Tita's out and about in the heart of the main city. Nothing feels as blissful as evening cruises down the highway, and staring up at an ebony sky with visible stars. The stars in Vancouver are always hiding!! I swear we went out literally every night to get Serenitea (A sort of bubble tea shop) or stroll around Ruins (Somewhat like the Richmond Night Market). Speaking of driving, the traffic and the driving in general was crazy! Four lanes would develop in a two lane street. The streets were narrow as heck. If I knew how to drive, I would probably get a heart attack just by watching. Also, seat belts aren't necessary and having 20 people in a van meant for eight is perfectly normal there. Talk about lack of discipline. I was also darker than everyone there. Curse my easily tanned skin. Contrary to popular opinion here in Canada, I would rather be lighter skinned. Then again, I guess it's because typical humans get tired of what they're given and like change. Every single commercial and product in the Philippines was for skin whitening or for growth by the way. (I'm the complete opposite of what the ideal is there :( )

Aside from my thoughts about the Philippines culture (summarized in one word, I'd say "Free"), I was also able to get a taste of... I guess I'd call them "Once in a lifetime experiences". I felt like a total daredevil, pouncing at every opportunity there was to do something that I'd never done before. I only wish there was more time to do more.

Hope you enjoy this video that, I guess, exhibits a lot of what I did there. There's also a short clip of some of the flooding that I saw while I was there. Watch it in 1080p or else my waiting seven hours for a video upload would have been a waste!!

 

Good Morning everyone!

Lust for Life in Technicolour

Hello! As you can see, my family is all packed up and ready hop onto a plane and take off tonight. Excitement is raging inside of me. I take delight in the smell and atmosphere of airports, it's the smell and atmosphere of adventure. Yes, Angelica, I used the word. I often find myself spending the early hours of dawn rummaging through pages of travel magazines and web pages, aimlessly admiring each corner of our planet. Being less than a 48 hour flight from anywhere in the world, I can’t help but yearn to discover everything that our planet has to offer. I take every opportunity I get to be able to walk into the airport and admire the busy, ‘on-the-go’ lifestyles of people who are acquainted with this every day. How lucky they are to hear the comforting sound of luggage rolling on the loading bridge, and witness the anxious faces of new immigrants and blissful smiles and tears of reuniting families on a daily basis. Tonight, I will be a part of that experience and just the thought of that makes me squirm. 

I apologize for a spam of posts for the next month or so. Ina insists that I update her about my trip, but I honestly have no will to create another blog to add to my collection. So I guess, since this blog was supposed to be a so called "travel blog" anyways, it's my only resort.

The past few days could only be described as paradise on Earth, as I attempted to make the best of my last July days in Vancouver. Thursday was spent bike trailing through Fleetwood with Paula and Therese. It was quite the work out, bearing in mind that I haven't had physical education class for the past year.

Yesterday was a day of exploring and ball-parking each of our routes. Angelica, Robert, Ceej and I finally fulfilled our long awaited, eight month planned, trip to Nando's. For dessert, we each had a refreshing cup of frozen yogurt from Menchie's. Being the explorer he is, Robert took us to a park he found by "driving around". Apparently he went HAM after he got his license LOL. There, we enjoyed the lion-looking sunset, the mud between our toes, and the lightning storm that was taking place across the bay. 

Lightning!

My freedom has definitely taken a giant leap this past year. Summer isn't even half over, but I can already say that this is the best it's ever been.

Hope everyone's having just as much fun!

Sunny f/16

Three more days until I depart from my beautiful, British Columbia to head off to the motherland. I can't seem to decipher how I feel towards this particular trip. I have developed such a deep-rooted love for both of my "homes"- each so different, but both bearers of such special places in my heart. Although a month is incomparable and unable to make up for the five years that I've been away from the Philippines, I will surely miss my family, friends and Vancouver in general, dearly. 

Sigh. Thinking about my trip has made me realize how much packing I've left for the last minute, how many speeches I still need to write for each family reunion/birthday/celebration, and how many songs I need to practice and memorize. There's always tomorrow, right? 

On the brighter side, I am psyched to set foot on an airplane again. I'll finally be able to quench my long-time thirst to travel, and to document the culture there (if it hasn't already been taken over by American culture). 

Less about that, more about today! I know I've already posted photos on instagram and facebook, but if you're cool enough to stumble across this blog, feast your eyes on some exclusive photos! :) 

This past week we've been blessed with flawless summer weather, day after day. Unfortunately, the lazy side of me has been telling me not to haul my camera around and I've been stubborn enough to listen to it. - BUT Lazy Camille, no more! 

In the efforts to preserve some of my Summer here in Vancouver, I've done my best to make time for each of my friends before I leave for the Philippines. Today was definitely a day worth mentioning. Although it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, sometimes simple is best! A spontaneous picnic with Ina was enough to keep a smile on my face for the day. Even after missing my bus and having to wait an hour for the next one, the end was definitely worthwhile.

La soie et la dentelle

Dearest self and whoever else comes across this post. 

I'm currently sitting on a squeaky, nuisance of a chair that won't stay upright and I must say it's pretty downright annoying. 

I've been working my way through a year's worth of Math notes for two hours now and I've barely made it past the first unit. 

Anyways, I've decided to take a break. Hopefully after this post, I'll be able to trigger my usually motivated and productive-under pressure self. 

The sole reason I'm here today, cramming before an 8:30 exam, is because I spent half of yesterday sitting in the back seat of the car. I absolutely adore long drives because they allow me to think - taking me away from the busy, on-the-go atmosphere I usually find myself in. Also contrary to popular opinion, I'm quite fond of the overcast and rain-filled weather here in the northwest. It's calming and makes the whole "thinking time" more movie-like (and so is looking out the window and seeing mountain after mountain pass by!)

The other half of yesterday was spent buying gifts for family in the motherland for when we visit in the Summer. Just thought of it makes me feel giddy, haha! That's okay. Two more exams until Summer Camille, go go go! 

Before the hectic Christmas-like gift buying began, my family decided to eat out at the Eagle's restaurant buffet in Tulalip Casino and Resort. This is a huge stepping stone from our usual McDonald's runs by the way! As you can see, I'm a huge fan of Chocolate and Oreos. 

Annnddd along with the gift-buying, I scored a few things for myself. Unfortunately, the photo misses a lot of the details :(



And in case you missed it in the photo above, a trip to the States isn't complete without a new journal/notebook. If you know me, you'd know how many empty notebooks I have lying around... but I couldn't resist. I'm sorry. On the bright side, what better time to start a diary than during a trip home!? I'm anticipating the whole "Princess Diaries feel" of writing on a plane Ha! Also hoping this quote, as the very first thing in my diary, motivates me to do many things this Summer!



Once again, I'm sorry dear blog, that I've been reluctant to take my camera places for the past few months. After exams, I promise!

Du Sucre

Yesterday (Monday), my Marketing 11 class went on a little field trip to White Rock Beach.

Why the beach is called White Rock? Self-explanatory.

What marketing has to do with the beach? Let's just say "lots".

Quite a fun day if you ask me. I was reluctant to go at first too!

The day was spent venturing the beach, climbing the White Rock, watching the crab-fishers do their stuff, conversing with strangers and feasting on ice cream and wings.

This was the first time I put my new camera to use. Hope you like the pictures! :)

The Sun Made Them Squint

Technically, it's Monday morning as I write this.
Trying to fit in another small blog post before I start yet another busy week!

On Saturday we celebrated Bella Elyise's 17th birthday. The day started bright and early with a long transit ride to Shabusen Japanese and Korean Restaurant downtown. Hooray for being unable to finish all you can eat food, and secretly packing it because there was way too much to waste!
After lunch, we walked around for a bit, window-shopped and bumped into an interesting protest. The remainder of the day consisted of a good rest back at Rosabella's house.

Happy Bithday Belle!

Got Sunshine on Cloudy Days

I'm so thankful for the days I have homework. It seems as if those times are the only times I'm able to make a blog post.

Everything else > blog > homework, happens to be my normal routine.

 These are photos from a picnic I had with Vanessa by a local creek! We spent the day baking English Tea biscuits, then later biked down to the creek.

When we have no money to spend shopping, we make the best out of our days and spend them outdoors? I guess? Haha!

And since I honestly don't want to make a whole new post for one picture... I'll add it onto here! Today (Sunday) The fam went on our monthly states trip. I picked up a blue side bag that my mom calls "taga barrio", a reversible swim suit, metallic heels, a black romper, and a video camera! So excited to use my Hero2 this summer with you, Angelica! Shopping, Mech City Busk, Family... Today was a good day. 

le sommeil

Lately, I've had a knack for sleeping in on weekends. We've received such beautiful, not so rainy, weather here in Vancouver these past few days, but I've deliberately refused to go out to enjoy it. I'd much rather sleep in until 4pm, making up for the immense lack of sleep that I get during the school week. It seems as though the only time I go out during the weekends is Sunday mass. I feel incredibly unprepared for this upcoming week consisting of my first shifts at a new job :), three tests, one field trip, and just oozles of homework. All very exciting and nerve wracking events!

In other news, I invested on some new jewelry pieces this week! Couldn't resist on spending a dollar on each of these beauties! Hopefully, with the new job, I'll be able to save up for a new lens before I head to the motherland this Summer.

(=)<|

I don't know about you, but I think this title of mine looks like a pretty legitimate fish!
This week, each Bio 11 class has the opportunity to experience hands on activities with the animals at the Vancouver Aquarium. Each class is taken to a back room and divided into groups. These groups are rotated between five stations. Unfortunately, due to wet hands, I unable to capture photos of us holding the sea stars and anemones. Nonetheless, here are some photos taken during our free time in the gallery!